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★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2022 ~ Reviews Thread ★☆★

Batman

Its not who i am underneath
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Love In Local Train
Mera naam Aman hai. Main thoda sharmila kisam ladka hu. Ladkiyon se baat karne ke mamle mein thoda jyaada sharma jaata hu. Mere parivaar mein mere maa baap bhaiya bhabhi aur ek pyaara sa bhatija hai. Sablog mujhse bahot pyaar karte hai. Main bhi unsab mein jaan chidakta hu.

Main apne sehar ki ek IT company mein job karta hu. Job achhi hai aur salary bhi thikk thaak hai jisme mera guzaara achhe se hojaata hai. Main aaj tak kabhi bhi apne sehar se bahar nhi gaya hu. Kabhi jarurat hi nhi padhi. Main free time mein kabhi kabhi likhta bhi hu.

Ek din office mein mujhe mera boss bulata hai aur bolta hai.

Boss: Aman main tumhare kaam se bahot khush hu. Tumne itne kam time mein bahot hi jyaada progress kiya hai.

Main yeh sunn bahot khush hojaata hu. Ab Boss ke muh se apni tarif sunn kaun khush nhi hota hai.

Main: Thank You Sir.

Boss: Main tumhare promotion kar raha hu.

Main promotion ki baat sunn bahot hi jyaada khush hojaata hu. Aur IT industry mein promotion milna bahot badi baat thi.

Main: Thank you sir. Thank you so much.

Boss: Par iss promotion ke saath tumhe Mumbai jaana hoga. Tumhe waha ke office mein promote kiya jaa raha hai. Jaha tumhari salary bhi increase hogi. Aur waha tumhe aur jyaada sikhne ko milega. Its a good oppurtunity for you.

Main pehle jaha hadd se jyaada khush tha wahi yeh sunn meri khushi mein thodi udaasi aajati hai. Wajah thi dusre sehar woh bhi Mumbai jaise sehar mein jaana. Main aaj kabhi bhi apne sehar se bahar nhi gaya tha.

Main: Sir aap toh jaante hai main aaj tak kabhi bhi apne sehar se bahar nhi gaya hu. Aur ab achanak se dusre sehar woh bhi Mumbai jaise sehar mein.

Boss: Main jaanta hu. Aur agar tum jaoge nhi toh sikhoge kaise. Har kaam ek jagah nhi hota. Humhe kaam ke liye bahar jaana hi padhta hai. Aur yeh toh tumhare liye ek golden oppurtunity hai. Tumhe yeh miss nhi karna chahiye. Aur phir yeh promotion tumhe Mumbai jaane pe hi milega. Aur tum waha sirf 6 mahine kaam karo phir yaha transfer karwa lena apna. Main tumhe 2 din ka time deta hu tum soch lo aur bata do. Main ab bhi yehi kahunga aisa mauka baar baar nhi milta.

Boss ki baat sunne ke baad main waha se apne desk mein aajata hu aur sochne lagta hu kyaa karu kyaa nhi. Mann mein ek utsaah bhi tha toh ek darr bhi tha apne sehar se durr jaane ka.

Main yehi sab sochte hue apna uss din ka kaam khatam karta hu aur ghar ki taraf aajata hu.

Ghar mein aate hi maa mera chehra dekh samaj jaati hai kuch toh baat hai. Aakhir maa toh maa hoti hai apne bachhe ko dekh bata deti hai ke uska bachha kisi pareshani mein hai.

Maa: Kyaa baat hai Aman pareshan dikh raha hai sab thikk hai naa.

Main: Mera promotion hogya hai maa.

Meri baat sunn waha khade sabhi bahot khush hojaate hai aur sab mujhe badhaai dene lagte hai.

Maa: Aree yehh toh khushi ki baat hai. Bahu meethai leke aa.

Bhabhi: Jii Maa. Aur devar ji mujhe 2 nayi saree chahiye. Aur koi bahana nhi chalega.

Yeh bol woh meethai laane chali jaati hai.

Maa: Itni khushi ki baat hai par tu pareshan hai kisliye.

Main: Maa aap toh jaanti ho main kabhi bhi apne sehar se bahar nhi gaya. Aur mera promotion Mumbai jaise bade sehar mein hua hai. Agar mujhe promotion chahiye toh mujhe waha jaana padega.

Maa yeh sunn thoda toh pareshan hojaati hai. Aakhir uska beta usse durr hone ki baat jo kar raha tha. Par bete ki tarakki ke liye usne apni pareshai ko sang sang apne chehre se durr karti hai aur bolti hai.

Maa: Tu Pagal hai. Aree agar bahar nhi jaayega toh sikhega kaise. Kab tak maa ke aanchal mein bandha rahega. Baahar jaayega chaar logo se milega tabhi toh kuch sikhega. Meri maan toh tu haa bolde. Aur waise bhi aisa mauka baar baar nhi milta.

Phir sab ek ek karke mujhe samjhane lage. Aur sab ke bolne pe main Mumbai jaane ke liye maan bhi gaya.

Bhabhi: Devar Ji. Dusre sehar kaam ke silsile mein jaa rahe ho kahi waha jaake humare liye koi devraani naa dhund lena.

Main: Sharma ke. Kyaa bhabhi aap bhi.

Bhabhi: Haaye haaye sharm toh dekho humare devar ke. Yeh toh ladkiyon se jyaada sharmate hai. Maa ji humhe toh lagta hai inse kuch naa hoga inke liye humko dhundna hoga.

Maa: Haa toh yeh kaam karegi uski bhabhi. Aakhir yeh sab jimmedaari bhabhiyon ki toh hoti hai.

Aise hi hasi mazaak karte hue woh din guzar jaata hai. Agle din main office mein jaake Boss se Mumbai jaane ke liye haa bol deta hu.

Boss: Bahot achha decision liya tumne. Waha jaake tum jarur bahot achha kaam karoge.

Main: Sir main waha rahunga kaha pe. Mera toh koi relative bhi bhi rehta waha pe.

Boss: Company ne tumko waha pe ek 1 bhk ka flat diya hai. Tum wahi pe rahoge. Par flat se office ke liye tumhe waha ke local trains bus ya phir taxi ka dekhna hoga. I am sure tum manage karloge.

Main: Thikk hai sir. Waise kab jaana hai.

Boss: 2 din baad tumhe waha ke liye nikalna hai aur teesre din join. Aur isiliye tum aaj ghar jaao aur apni packing karlo. Aur ab tum sidha waha ke office hi jaana.

Main: Thikk hai sir.

Boss: All the best and congrats for new journey.

Main: Thank You sir. Phir main waha se apna promotion letter aur joining letter ghar aajata hu.

Aise hi 2 din guzar jaate hai aur mere waha pahonchne ka samay bhi aajata hai. Pura parivaar mujhe Airport chorne aaya tha. Maa ke aankhon mein thodi nami thi aakhir beta durr jaa raha thaa.

Maa: Apna khayal rakhna. Aur achhe se kaam karna aur jaldi ghar aana.

Papa: Aree bhagyawaan usse jaane dogi tabhi toh woh jaldi ghar aayega naa.

Maa: Aap chup karo ji. Aapko toh meri har baat mein taane maarne ki aadat si hogyi hai.

Bhabhi: Devar ji khayal rakhna apna. Kahi waha ki ladkiyon ke moh paas mein naa bandh jaana. Maa ji ek kaal tikaa laga do aap buri balao se durr rahenge.

Maa: Haa sahi kaha. Yeh bol apni aankh se kajal leke kaan ke pichhe laga deti hai.

Phir main sabka aashirwaad leke Airport ke andar chala jaata hu.

Kuch 3-4 ghante mein main Mumbai aajata hu. Airport pe mujhe lene ke liye office ka staff aaya hua tha. Main uske saath Airport se apne flat mein aagaya. Flat chota hi tha par 1 insaan ke liye thikk thaa.

Staff ne mujhe ghar ki chaabiyan di aur ek packet bhi diya jo office ki taraf se tha phir waha se chala gaya par jaate jaate bol gaya ke kitchen mein khaana rakha hai garam karke khaa lu.

Uske jaane ke baad toh sabse pehle maine aone ghar phone karke baat kiya. Maa ne toh sawaalon ki jhadi hi laga di par bhabhi ne unhe jaise taise shant karwaya.

Phir main bathroom mein jaake achhe se fresh hua aur kitchen mein jaake khaana garam kiya aur khaa liya. Uske baad office ki taraf se diya gaya packet khola jisme mera id card office ka address aur route direction with vehicles information bhi thi. Maine woh sab achhe se dekha aur bagal mein rakh kar so gaya.

Agle din alarm ki madad se meri aankh khuli. Main jaldi se utha fresh hua aur apne luye breakfast banane laga. Yeh pehli baar tha ke mujhe kuch banana padh raha hai. Maine ghadi ki taraf dekha toh mujhe bahot time dikha isiliye main aaram aaram se sab karne laga.

Thodi der mein naashta karke main ready hogya office ke liye. Phir apna bag liya aur ghar ko achhe lock karke nikal gaya office ki taraf.

Ghar se thodi durr hi railway station tha toh main paidal hi uss taraf nikal gaya. Jaise hi main railway station aaya toh maine dekha ke meri train nikal rahi hai.

Main: Areee baba ree lagta hai late hogyaa. Meri train toh nikal rahi hai. Main jaldi se daudte hue train ke paas gaya. Par train apni speed pakad rahi thi. Main puri koshish kar raha tha ke mujhe yeh train mil jaaye warna pehle din hi late hojaata.

Main train ke handle ko pakadne hi wala tha ke tabhi ek haath bahar nikalta hai. Main uss haath ko dekhte hue uss haath wale ki shakal ko dekhta hu toh dekhte hi reh jaata hu. Woh ek ladki thi jo haath aage badhayi thi. Main usko hi dekh raha tha ke tabhi woh ladki bolti hai.

Ladki: Areee dekhh kyaa rahe hoo. Jaldi se haath pakdo warnaa trainn chutt jaayegi.

Ladki ke bolne se maine jhatt se uska haath pakad liya aur train mein chadd gaya. Chadne ke baad main jorr jorr se saansein lene laga. Kuch der baad jab main shant hua aur apne charo taraf dekha toh paaya ke main ladies section mein uthh gaya hu.

Main: Oooo I amm Sorryyy. Yeh bol main jaise hi utarne ko hua toh dekha train ne apni full speed pakad li hai. Tabhi woh ladki bolti hai.

Ladki: Don’t worry. Itna mat ghabrao. Next station mein utar jaana aur general mein chale jaana.

Main: Oookk. Btw thank you. Agar aap ne meri madad nhi ki hoti toh shayad aaj yeh train miss hojaati. Aur aaj office ka pehle din hi late hojaata.

Ladki: Your Welcome. Waise dikhne mein toh yaha ke nhi lagte.

Main: Jiii Main kal hi pehli baar Mumbai aaya hu Job ke silsile mein aur aaj pehla din hai.

Ladki: Tabhiiii. Warna Mumbaikars ko kuch malum ho naa ho inn local trains ke baare mein sab malaum hota hai. Btw I Am Sheetal.

Main: I am Aman.

Sheetal: Nice Name. Waise kaun se station pe utarna hai.

Maine usse apne station ka naam bataya toh woh bolti hai.

Sheetal: Ooo. Yeh toh mere station ke pehle hi padhta hai. Waise office tak raasta pata hai naa.

Main: Jii haa maine kal google mein check karliya tha aur abhi bhi usike madad se jaunga.

Sheetal: Greattt Aur yeh kyaa jiii aap laga rakha hai. Tum mujhe tum kehke bula sakte ho.

Main : Achha thikk hai.

Sheetal: Waisee tumhe shayad General waale dabbe mein jaana tha naa.

Main: Ooo shitt haaa. Yeh bol jaise hi main bahar ki taraf dekhta hu toh aaya hua station chala jaata hai.

Meri halat dekh Sheetal hasne lagti hai. Phir bolti hai.

Sheetal: Aree chinta mat karo. Agla station tumhara hi hai. Aur yaha koi kuch nhi bolega. Aaj first day hai naa next day se practice hojayegi.

Phir humdono hi chup hojaate hai aur thodi der mein mera station aajata hai toh main utar jaata hu.

Main: Thank you Sheetal. Meri madad karne ke liye.

Sheetal: Koi nhi. Hum Mumbai walo ka dil bahot bada hota hai.

Main: Byeee.

Sheetal: Byeee. Phir train nikal jaati hai aur main bhi apne office ki taraf nikal jaata hu google maps ki madad se.

Thodi der mein main apne office ke saamne khada tha. Main mobile mein ekbaar apna huliya dekhta hu phir andar chala jaata hu.

Andar waha ke boss se milke apna kaam karne lagta hu.

Kaam karte karte kab woh din khatam hojaata hai pata hi nhi chalta. Phir main office se nikal ke jaldi se station aajata hu kyoki main phir se koi risk nhi lena chahta tha.

Mujhe station pe aaye thodi der hi hui thi ke train aajati hai. Main train mein uth jaata hu aur ek jagah khada hojaata hu. Tabhi mere kandhe pe koi haath rakhta hai. Main pichhe ghum ke dekhta hu toh waha Sheetal khadi thi.

Main: Aree tum yaha.

Sheetal: Kyoo nhii hona chahiye.

Main: Aisi baat nhi hai.

Sheetal: Tum darte bahot ho.

Main ek feeki si smile pass kardeta hu.

Sheetal: Woh actually aaj mujhe office se nikalne mein late hogya. Aur jab station aayi toh train nikalne wali hi thi toh jo coach saamne dikha usme hi uth gayi. Socha next station mein change karlungi par tabhi tumhe uthte dekha toh yehi rukh gayi.

Main: Achhaa.

Sheetal: Waise kaisa gaya first day.

Main: Achha tha. Par manna padega Mumbai ki life bahot hi busy hai. Sablog bas bhagte rehte hai.

Sheetal: Yehh Mumbai hai yaha dheere chalne se kuch nhi hoga. Bhaaoge tabhi kuch haasil karoge.

Phir humdono chup chaap wahi khade rehte hai aur thodi der mein mera station aajata hai toh main utar jaata hu.

Main: Achha okk byee. And thanks subah ke liye.

Sheetal: Koiii naa bolaa naa hum mumbaikars ka dil bahot bada hota hai. Yeh bol hasne lagti hai saath mein main bhi has deta hu.

Phir train nikal padhti hai aur main bhi nikal padhta hu. Flat mein aate hue main apne liye raat ka khaana bhi pack karwa leta hu jisse mujhe jaake ab khaana naa banana pade.

Ghar mein aake fresh hoke khaana khaake main apne bed mein baitha aaj pure din jo jo hua uske baare mein soch raha tha. Jisme Sheetal ke sang bataye woh kuch pal mere zahen mein aate hi mere chehre pe ek muskurahat aajati.

Main: Bahot hi zinda dil ladki hai. Kaise pal bhar mein ek anjaan ladke ke saath kitni khulke baate kar rahi thi jaise mujhe barso se jaanti ho. Par main apni aadat se majbur kaise sharma raha tha uske saamne. Khairr ab mujhe raat ke khaane ka bandobast karna hoga. Roj roj bahar ka khaana achha nhi.

Aise hi din guzarne lagte hai. Aman roj train se office jaata aur roj uski mulakat train mein Sheetal se hoti. Dono ab achhe dost ban gaye the. Dono ne mobild number bhi exchange karliya tha. Sheetal ab ladies section mein naa uthke General Section mein uthti thi taaki uska dost akela naa rahe.

Ekdin Aman Sheetal se bolta hai.

Main: Yaar Sheetal mujhe naa thodi bahot shopping karni hai.

Sheetal: Haa toh karlo. Maine kaun sa roka hai.

Main: Very funny. Tum mere saath chalogi shopping ke liye. Tum toh jaanti ho main yaha ke baare mein jyaada jaanta nhi. Tum chalogi toh thodi help hojayegi.

Sheetal: Achhaa. Mujhse majdoori karwana chahte ho. Chalo koi nhi tum bhi kyaa yaad rakhoge kis bade dilwali se dosti ki hai. Bolo kab chalna hai.

Main: Kal chalte hai. Kal Sunday bhi hai aur humdono ki hi office se chutti hai.

Sheetal: Thikk hai chalte hai.

Main: Waise tumne kabhi bataya nhi tumhare ghar mein kaun kaun hai.

Sheetal: Isme batane jaisa kyaa hai. Jo sabke ghar mein hote hai woh mere ghar mein bhi hai. Main mummy papa bhaiya aur bhabhi thats it.

Main: Waah bilkul mere jaisi hi hai. Chalo mera stop toh aagaya. Main toh chala ghar. Kal milenge. Byeee.

Sheetal: Byeee.

Phir main nikal jaata hu apne ghar.

Agle din humdono shopping karne ke liye milte hai. Maine apne liye 2-3 dresses li. Sheetal ko bhi jabardasti ek dress dilwa di aakhir woh mere liye hi aayi thi chutti ke din bhi. Phir humdono ek achhe se restaurant jaake nashta karte hai aur phir apne apne ghar nikal jaate hai.

Ussdin ke baad se toh humdono eksaath bahot hi jagah pe chutti ke din ghumne jaane lage the. Humdono ekdusre ke liye station pe wait karte the. Ekdusre ke saath raat raat bhar baate karte the. Main toh Sheetal se pyaar karne laga tha par Sheetal ke dil mein kyaa hai yeh samaj nhi aaraha tha. Main confuse tha ke woh bhi mujhse pyaar karti hai yaa phir sirf achha dost maanti hai.

Maine himmat karke bhabhi se bhi iss baare mein baat ki. Pehle toh unhone bahot pareshan kiya par phir bola ke agar pyaar karte ho toh boldo. Jo hoga dekha jaayega. Agar woh bhi pyaar karti hogi toh bahot achhi baat hai agar nhi karti hogi toh sirf 2 thappad maaregi mera dil tootega par jhoothi umeed bhi khatam hojayegi.

Mujhe bhi bhabhi ki baat sahi lagi par saath mein darr bhi lag raha tha. Par maine ek idea nikala aur ek letter likhne laga jisme maine apne dil ki baat saaf saaf likhdi aur woh letter ussr office se ghar aate waqt dene ka socha.

Agle din raat ke waqt main thoda nervous tha aakhir pehli baar kisi ko propose karne wala tha. Shayad hi kisi ne kisiko chalti train mein propose kiya hoga. Par aaj woh karnaama main karne wala tha.

Main station mein khada tha tabhi thodi der mein train mein aagayi. Aur as usual usme Sheetal maujud thi. Jaise hi humdono ki nazre mili uske chehre mein ek muskurahat aagayi jisse dekhte hi mere dil joro se dhadakne laga.

Sheetal: Kyaa baat hai Mr. Aaj itne ghabraye se kyo ho. Raaste mein kutte pichhe padh gaye the kyaa yaa boss ki daant khaaye ho. Yeh bol hasne lagti hai.

Main: Jab tumhare jaisi dost ho toh dushmano ki kyaa jarurat. Jab pata hai main kutto se darta hu phir bhi jaan muzz ke unka naam logi. Bhagwaan aisi dost kisi ko naa de.

Sheetal: Aree yeh badi dilwaali Sheetal ki meharbaani hai ke mujh jaisi dost tumhe mil gayi. Warna tum jaise boring kutto se darne walo ko toh humare area mein rehne wali Juli jaisi dost milti.

Main: Abbb yeh Juli kis kutti I mean bala ka naam hai.

Sheetal: Woh humare area ke security guard ke paltu bandariya ka naam hai jiske shareer mein harwaqt khujli rehti hai. Yeh bol woh hasne lagti hai.

Main: Waise ek bandariya toh isswaqt mere saamne bhi khadi hai.

Sheetal: Tumne iss badi dilwali Sheetal ko bandariya kaha. Tumhari itni himmat. Lagta hai tumhe ab iss Mumbai sehar mein rehna nhi hai. Isiliye iss Sheetal se pange le rahe ho. Chalo ab jaldi se sorry bolo.

Main: Chalo tum bhi kyaa yaad rakhogi kis bade dilwale se paala padha hai. Mujhe maaf kardo Bandariya . Yehh bol se hasne lagta hai.

Sheetal yeh sunke muh fula ke khadi hojaati hai jo dekh woh mujhe bahot pyaari lag rahi thi.

Main: Achha Sorry ab nhi bolunga. Par mujhe kuch jaruri baat karni hai sunno naa.

Sheetal: Kyaa jaruri baat karni hai.

Main: Dekho filhal mera stop aaraha hai. Main bata nhi sakunga. Isiliye maine iss letter mein sab likh diya hai. Par tum yeh letter ghar le jaakar hi padhna akele mein. Yeh bol woh letter usko de deta hu. Tab tak mera station aajata hai aur main utar jaata hu.

Main: Byeee.

Sheetal: Byeee. Par iss letter mein hai kyaa.

Main: Ghar jaake aaram se padhna. Yehh bol main turant waha se nikal jaat hu.

Ghar aake main bahot hi jyaada tension mein tha. Main baar baar yehi soch raha tha ke Sheetal kya react karegi uska kya jawaab hoga kyaa woh haa kahegi yaa naa kahegi. Main yehi sab soche jaaraha tha. Ekbaar toh mann kiya call karke baat karu. Phir socha kal.toh milegi hi tab toh sab pata chal jaayega. Yeh sab sochte hue mujhe neend bhi nhi aarahi thi. Par sona toh thaa hi isliye jaise taise sogaya.

Udher Sheetal jab ghar pahonchi aur fresh hoke dinner karke jab woh apne kamre mein aayi toh usse mere diye letter ki yaad aayi. Woh jhatt se aone bag se woh letter nikalti hai aur padhne lagti hai.

Sheetal, Main bachpan se hi bahot extrovert kism ka ladka hu par ladkiyon ke mamle mein bilkul ulat hu. Unse baat karne mein hi meri halat kharab hojaati hai. Par tumhare saath baat karte waqt tumhare saath ghumte waqt pata nhi kyo mere dil ko ek bahot hi sukhad ka aihsaas hota hai. Aisa lagta hi nhi ke hum anjaan hai. Mujhe tumhare saath rehna tumse baate karna tumhari baate sunna bahot pasand hai. Hafte ka woh ek din jab tumse mulakat nhi hoti toh aisa lagta hai jaise mera jeevan kitna khaali hai.

Tumhare saath ghumte ghumte baat karte karte woh subah sham train mein up and down karte hue kab tumse pyaar hogya yeh mujhe pata hi chala. Kab iss train ke horn ne mere dil mein tumhare ki pyaar ki ghanti baja di pata hi nhi chala. Kyaa yeh Badu Dilwali Sheetal ke dil mein mere liye ek choti si jagah hogi. Agar hoti hai toh mujhe tumhare jawaab ka intezaar rahega.

Letter padhne ke baad Sheetal ke chehre mein koi expression nhi tha. Woh chup chaap letter ko apne bag mein wapas rakh deti hai aur chup chaap so jaati hai.

Agle din subah apne time se uthke fresh hoke naashta karke ready hoke nikal gaya office ke liye. Jaise jaise station najdeek aaraha tha mere dil ki dhadkan badhti jaa rahi thi. Main soch raha tha ke Sheetal kyaaa karegi kyaa kahegi.

Station mein aane ke baad main train ka wait karne laga. Thodi der mein train aajati hai toh main darte darte train mein chadd gaya par waha Sheetal nhi dikhi mujhe. Ekbaar toh maine socha kahi kisi dusre coach mein toh nhi chadd gaya. Phir station ki taraf dekha toh paaya ke nhi sahi jagah hai.

Main: Yehh Sheetal aayi kyo nhi. Kahi mujhse naraz hoke ladies coach mein nhi chali gayi. Shayad haa wahi hogi. Par kaise pata karu ke woh waha hai yaa nhi. Next station mein utar ke usme jaake hi dekhta hu.

Thodi der mein next station aajata hai toh main jaldi se utar jaata hu ladies coach mein uth jaata hu. Mujhe waha uthte dekh saari ladies mujhe hi ghurne lagti hai. Par main unko ignore karke Sheetal ko dhund raha tha par woh mujhe kahi naa dikhi.

Main: Aree woh toh yaha bhi nhi hai. Kyaa woh aaj aayi nhi yaa uski train miss hogyi. Kyaa karu. Call karu kyaa. Nhii abhi nhi shayad dusri train mein ho. Sham ko dekhunga.

Kuch der mein mera station aajata hai toh main utar jaata hu aur office chala jaata hu. Par aaj office mein mann bhi nhi lag raha tha. Reh reh ke Sheetal ki yaad aarahi thi aur iss chakar mein kaam mein bhi garbar horahi thi.

Khairr jaise taise din guzra aur raat aayi. Main Station mein Sheetal ka intezaar kar raha tha. Thodi der mein train aayi. Main train mein uthne ke pehle bahar se hi check karne laga par mujhe woh kahi naa dikhi. Main jaldi se ladies wale ki taraf gaya. Waha bhi dekha par woh naa dikhi.

Maine woh train chorr di aur next wali ka intezaar karne laga. Kuch der baad woh train aayi toh usme bhi check kiya woh Sheetal nhi thi usme bhi. Main dukhi mann se train mein chadd gaya.

Main: Lagta hai Sheetal mujhse naraz hogyi hai isiliye aaj nhi aayi. Yaa phir aayi ho mujhse naa milna chahti ho isiliye kisi dusre coach mein yaa train mein ho. Main yehi sab sochte hue apne ghar aagaya. Bemann se thoda sa khaaya aur Sheetal ko leke hi sochne laga.

Bhabhi ka call aaya unhone pucha toh unhe sab bataya jisse sunn unhone kaha ladki ko thoda time do hosakta hai kisi aur reason se woh busy ho yaa office ke jyaada kaam ki wajah se mulakat nhi hui ho.

Bhabhi ki baat sunnke mujhe thodi si raahat mili. Par dil ki bechaini baar baar pareshan kar rahi thi.

Agle din bhi Sheetal mujhe train mein naa dikhi aur usne raat ko mere calls bhi receive nhi kiye the jiske wajah se mujhe samaj aagaya tha ke woh ab mujhse baat toh durr milna bhi nhi chahti. Ab toh jaise mujhe Mumbai mein rehne ka bhi mann bhi kar raha tha par meri badkismati abhi transfer bhi nhi hosakta tha.

Woh pura din mera office mein bhi achha nhi gaya. Kaam mein koi dhyaan nhi tha bas pura din apne mobile mein Sheetal ki tasveer hi dekh raha tha. Raat ko ghar gaya toh khaana ka bhi mann nhi tha isiliye bina khaaye hi so gaya.

Agle din main phir se dukhi mann ke saath ready hoke office ke liye nikal gaya. Kuch der mein train aagayi aur main bina kisi taraf dekhe usme chadd gaya aur darwaaze ke paas khade reh kar baahar ko dekhne laga. Tabhi mere kaano mein awaaz aayi.

Lagta hai koi apne dost se bahot naaraz hai isiliye usse baat karna toh durr dekhna bhi nhi chahta.

Yeh awaaz sunke mere dil ki dhadkane tezz hogyi. Mere chehre pe ek muskurahat aur aankhon mein aansu aagaye. Main jhatt se pichhe palta toh saamne Sheetal khadi thi. Jo mujhe hi dekh rahi thi apni chehre oe wohi mann mohane wali Smile liye. Aaj usne mera diya hua dress pehna tha jo uspe bahot hi jyaada jachh bhi raha tha.

Main: Sheetal kaha thi tum 2 dino se. Tumhe pata hai main kitna pareshan hogaya tha. Tumhe kitne calls kiye msg kiye par tumne ek ka bhi jawaab nhi diya. Kaha thii tummm.

Sheetal: Aree shant shant mere Express train. Shant hojao. Dekho tumne toh mujhe letter pakda diya aur nikal gaye. Ghar jaake jab main letter padha toh mujhe uska answer dene ke liye sochne ka time toh chahiye naa.

Main toh agle din hi tumhe jawaab de deti par achanak se meri bhabhi tabiyat thodi kharab hogyi isiliye 2 din ka break lena padha.

Main: Oookkkkkk. Toh kyaa jawaab hai tumharaaa.

Sheetal: Letter padhne ke baad mann toh kiya tha tumhe usiwaqt 2 thappad lagau. Tumharu himmat kaise hui mujhe yeh letter dene ki. Agar uss waqt tum mere saamne hote toh main tumhe batati letter dene ka natiza.

Main Sheetal ke muh se yeh sunnke ekdum chup chaap khada tha. Mujhe toh pata tha yehi answer hoga par phir bhi main uske muh se sunna chahta tha jo sunn liya.

Sheetal: Kyaa likha tha tumne Badi dilwali Sheetal ke dil mein choti si jagah chahiye. Tumne yeh socha bhi kaise ke main tumhe choti si jagah dungi.

Mere aankhon se bas aansu nikalne reh gaye the. Humdono ekdum dheere dheere baat kar rahe the jisse koi dusra agar dekh bhi raha ho toh hum sunn naa paaye.

Sheetal: Aree kaha maine socha thaa tum mujhe apne ghutno baithke ekdum romantic style mein propose karoge par nhi likh diya ek sada sa love letter. Aree main toh apna yeh bada dil pura ka pura tumhe dena chahti hu aur tum sirf choti si jagah maang rahe ho. Tumhe sharam nhi aati yehsab baat bolte hue.

Sheetal ke muh ab yeh sab sunn ke main buri tarah hairaan tha. Mujhe samaj nhi aaraha tha ke kaunsi baat sach hai. Main bas badi badi aankhon se usse dekhe jaa raha tha.

Sheetal Jhatt se mere gale lag jaati hai aur bolti hai.

Sheetal: I Love You meree gadhee. I Love You so muchhh. Kitnaa waittt karwaya tumne. Main roj sochti aaj bologe kal bologe parr nhiii.

Sheetal ke muh se I Love you sunnke meri aankhein chalak jaati hai. Aansu ki do boondhe mere gaalon ko bhiga deti hai par mere chehre pe duniya bharr ki khushi thi Aakhir mera pyaar jo mujhe mil gaya thaa.

Main: I Love you Sheetal. I love youuu sooo muchhh.

Humhe aise ek dusre ke gale laga dekh train mein baaki ke log hairaan the toh kuch ajeeb nazro se dekh rahe thee. Par hum unnsab se bekhabar apni duniya mein thee.

Kuch der waise hi lage rehne ke baad train ke ek jhatke se humhe hosh aata hai aur hum alag hote hai aur charo taraf dekhte hai toh paate hai sab humhe hi dekh rahe thee.

Main dekhta hu train rukhi hui hai station aaya hua hai. Main Sheetal ka haath pakad ke train se utar jaata hu aur hum station ke bahar aajate hai.

Sheetal: Aman hum yaha kyo aagaye. Humhe toh office jaana thaa.

Aman: Aaj no office. Aaj ka pura din sirf humare liye. Aaj ka pura din hum saath rahenge. Yeh bol maine ek taxi hire ki aur nikal padha Marine Drive apne naye pyaar ko enjoy karne.

Waha pahonch humdono pattharo pe baith jaate hai. Sheetal ne apna sir mere kandhe pe rakh diya tha aur saamne behte vishal samundar ko dekh rahi thi.

Main: Aaj tumne mujhe bahot dara diya tha Sheetal.

Sheetal meri baat sunn bas hasne lagti hai.

Main: Waise tumhe kab mujhse pyaar hua.

Sheetal: Yeh ek raaz hai. Abhi nhi bataungi.

Main: Ab isme kaisa raaz. Kuch mahino pehle hi toh main pehli baar Mumbai aaya aur hum station mein pehli baar mile the. Aur tab se aaj tak roj mil rahe hai.

Sheetal: Aisa tumhe lagta hai ke hum kuch mahino pehle pehli baar station mein mile the. Meri jaankaari maine tumhe kuch saal pehle dekha tha. Aur jab maine tumhe pehli baar dekha tha tabhi tumse pyaar hogya thaa. Aur ab jab maine kuch mahino pehle tumhe dekha toh meri khushi ka thikana nhi tha. Aur isiliye main tumse train mein itni baate ki tumhare saath roj aane jaane lagi.

Main: Kyaa bol rahi ho. Par main toh tumhe pehli baar mila tha station mein. Agar hum usse bhi pehle mile the toh mujhe kaise yaad nhi.

Sheetal: Main kab kaha hum mile the. Maine kaha maine tumhe dekha tha.

Main: Kaha dekha thaa. Aur kab dekha thaa.

Sheetal: Itni bhi kyaa jaldi hai meri jaan. Aaj toh pyaar ka pehla din hai dheere dheere sab pata chal jayega. Aur maze ki baat batau tumhare baare mein meri family bahot achhe se jaanti hai. Unhe tum bahot pasand ho.

Main: Kyaaa wohh bhiii mujhee jaante hai. Bas main hi hu jo kuch nhi jaantaa.

Sheetal: Tum tension bahot lete ho. Dheere dheere sab jaan jaaoge. Ab issbare mein koi baat nhii.

Phir aise hi hum pura din ghumte rahe aur apne pyaar ka pehla din enjoy karte rahee.

Dheere dheere aise hi din guzarne lage. Humdono ka pyaar pure joro pe thaa. Sheetal ne mujhe apni family se milaya unhe dekh kar woh mujhe kuch jaane pehchane se lage aise laga jaise maine unhe dekha hai par kaha dekha hai yaad nhi aaraha tha.

Sheetal ne humare baare mein sab apne ghar mein bata diya tha par mujh mein himmat nhi horahi thi ke main apne ghar mein iss baare mein batau. Par batana toh thaa hi. Isiliye maine himmat karke sabse pehle bhabhi ko bataya.

Bhabhi ne meri bahot taang khinchi. Mujhe bahot pareshan kiya. Par baad mein meri madad bhi bahot ki. Unhone hi ghar mein baat ki aur Sheetal ke baare mein bataya. Jab ghar mein sabko pata chala toh maa ne mujhe bahot kuch bola. Par last mein sablog maan gaye.

Kuch dino ke baad Sheetal ke family mere ghar gayi rishte ki baat karne ke liye. Tab waha mujhe pata chala Sheetal meri bhabhi ke mama ke beti hai. Aur mere ghar mein sabko sabkuch pehle se hi pata tha. Aur humara rishta bhi bahot pehle hi tay hogya thaa. Sablog include Sheetal meri taang khinch rahe thee. Aur tab mujhe yaad aaya maine Sheetal ki family ko bhaiya aur bhabhi ki shaadi mein dekha thaa.

Khairr dheere dheere time bitne laga aur humari shaadi ka din bhi aagaya aur dekhte hi dekhte humari shaadi hogyi. Sheetal ne Mumbai wali job chorr di thi aur maine bhi wapas apne sehar mein transfer karwa liya thaa. Sheetal ab mere saath mere hi office mein kaam karti thi.

Kaha main pehle ladkiyon se baat karne mein thoda sharmata tha aur kaha meri prem kahani local train mein start hui sabke saamne Sheetal ne mere Proposal ko accept kiya phir humari family ne bhi humare pyaar ko accept kiya aur finally humdono prem panchi humesha ke liye ek hogayee.

Review :

Story Genre : Romance

Story :
kahani ki baat kare to, lekhak ne ek Prem kahani pardarshit kari hai, jo ki ek chote se sehar ke ladke aur ek bade sehar ki ladki hai. Kahani ka main paatra Aman apne sapno ko poora karte hue apne pariwar ke armaano aur support ke sath bade sehar me naukri ke lie jaata hai, par waha ek chul buli ladki ko apna dil de baith ta hai.
writing skills : Writing skills ki baat kare to bahut hi badia the, scene writing and emotional dialogue bahut hi badia likha hua hai. Par kahi kahi aisa laga jaise kahani kheechi gyi hai. Dialogue writing bahut funny aur entertaining tha. Padh kar accha laga

Reader's view: as a reader, ye kahani ek aisi kahani hai jo aapko har sehar har gali me dekhne ko milegi, isse ghar ki bani hui pakwaan ki mehak aati hai, jisme ek apna pan hai, aur dil ko chu leti hai. Ek kisi ko reader ko family related drama and romance padhna hai to ye kahani padh sakta hai.
Jaguaar great work man, keep up
:claps: :applause:
 
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Death Kiñg

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“Rita Ki Adhuri Life” by Ritadanny

The story revolved around the genre – Erotica. Rita was the main character in the story, who is married to her cousin Rahul. Well, in the surge of making money and getting successful Rahul somehow ignored his wife, and her sexual needs too..

Rita in the search of finding someone to fulfil her desires sent her nudes to certain men.. Well, this could've been dangerous but how Rahul handled everything and supported Rita in that matter clearly showed up with the fact that he cares for her and loves her as well. He took Rita along with him to the Emirates but again he had to leave her alone and he went to the UK..

I thought that this time around Rahul should've thought a little bit about Rita.. he did forget that he has a wife who needs love as well. Here Rita caught in the fire of sexual needs cheated on Rahul and got her desires fulfilled.. but was that enough? Nopes, those men didn't love her, they wanted sex from her and after they got it, they were done.. Why would they care fir her and would look after her.

In the end Rita lives again struck in her vacant life, that empty space was as it is in her life and did not change.. Of Course Rahul could've been a better husband but what he was doing was only for Rita and their future family.. Maybe Rita was unable to control her sex drive and because of that she did what she did!

A good attempt by the writer, in Erotica it's always about sex, because the scope of adding Thrill or Suspense in that genre is very, very low and that's what happened here too.. But still, I felt like the Emotions could've been portrayed in a better way.. Maybe Seduction was also missing in the mix, overall a nice creation by you and congratulations for that..

...[5/10]...​
 
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Jaguaar

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Review :

Story Genre : Romance

Story :
kahani ki baat kare to, lekhak ne ek Prem kahani pardarshit kari hai, jo ki ek chote se sehar ke ladke aur ek bade sehar ki ladki hai. Kahani ka main paatra Aman apne sapno ko poora karte hue apne pariwar ke armaano aur support ke sath bade sehar me naukri ke lie jaata hai, par waha ek chul buli ladki ko apna dil de baith ta hai.
writing skills : Writing skills ki baat kare to bahut hi badia the, scene writing and emotional dialogue bahut hi badia likha hua hai. Par kahi kahi aisa laga jaise kahani kheechi gyi hai. Dialogue writing bahut funny aur entertaining tha. Padh kar accha laga

Reader's view: as a reader, ye kahani ek aisi kahani hai jo aapko har sehar har gali me dekhne ko milegi, isse ghar ki bani hui pakwaan ki mehak aati hai, jisme ek apna pan hai, aur dil ko chu leti hai. Ek kisi ko reader ko family related drama and romance padhna hai to ye kahani padh sakta hai.
Jaguaar great work man, keep up
:claps: :applause:
Thank You Batman bhaii
 
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Death Kiñg

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“BAAP Ka PAAP” by Blood Diamond

First of all Congratulations for your story mate. The story was basically plotted around revenge & all.. Sanjay lives with his children as in Yash & Shalini. His wife died years ago and after her death his character completely changed.. he turned into a man with zero ethics and only cared for his sexual needs.. He committed a crime like a rape too! He deserved a hell of a punishment for what he did with Harish's sister but what happened with Yash & Shalini especially Shalini..

What Harish did can never be justified.. of course the urge to get revenge on someone is uncontrollable but when you forget what you're doing.. Same happened with Harish, and he did exactly the same thing Sanjay did with her sister.. And that too in a more devilish way.. He forced Yash to rape his own sister Shalini in front of their Father.. Well, don't know what to say about that.

Sanjay, after all this committed suicide which was quite obvious. Whatever happened with Shalini because of him, well he deserved to die. But Shalini commited suicide too, she would've been in unbearable pain after what happened with her.. On the other side, Yash killed Harish and took his sister's revenge from him and in the end he shot himself as well..

Overall it was a good attempt but one thing I wanted to know was that you've clearly shown a rape scene.. Yash & Shalini. Isn't it against the forum rules??

...[5/10]...​
 

Death Kiñg

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“Lallu Laal” by Sigma_Male

Don't know what to say dude.. “Ajeeb Raat” was a very well written story from you and I expected that your next story would be even better. But...

Well, the story is about Rohit, an introvert guy. He is someone who doesn't involves himself with others. He fell in love with Neha, his office colleague. Because of his nature he couldn't express his love in front of Neha..

Then her mother telling about Neha's past.. I felt like the build up is pretty good but the end.. Don't want to comment a lot about that because you're a lot better writer, that I know from your previous story.

What Nain, Neha and Raj did was totally unjustified and Rohit's reaction on all that was even more hard to digest. Was unable to get the idea behind the story and.. Best of luck for future stories!

...[3.5–4/10]...​
 
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Death Kiñg

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“HAPPY NEW YEAR” By Kala Nag

Superb creation bro! Loved the concept of the story. Well, the story revolves around Jeet – Juli and the thief. Juli is in love with Jeet, and in the flow of it she surrenders herself to Jeet. But on the other hand Jeet is a pervert whose only intention was to play with her body and at the end kill her, but there was a twist..

Jeet being so friendly with a stranger (thief) was little bit suspicious right from the start and when he took him to his room, it was quite clear that Jeet was planning something! Actually, Jeet killed Juli and to escape from the police he very smartly tried to put all the blame on the thief..

He could've been successful in doing so but as they say.. as you sow so shall you reap! The thief being impressed by Jeet, his behaviour towards him, left his wallet in Juli's room. Because he didn't want to rob off the man who treated him so well. Later on, it was shown that he was having a covering on his hands that he washed off in the bathroom. And in the end it was absolutely clear that Jeet got trapped in his own plan..

Of course, the Police Investigation would end with Jeet being the only suspect because of the fingerprints he would've left in the room as well as because of his pocket.. At last, The thief saying “Happy New Year” to the driver justified the title too.

You are a wonderful writer bro, especially when it comes to thriller category you're a different version of yourself. Enjoyed a lot while reading. But there were some flaws too, the detailings could've been better, there were some errors with the spellings as well. Moreover, I think you mixed the names Juli and Rubi at some instances as well. But at the end it was definitely a great attempt by you and cheers for that!

...[7/10]...​
 
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Kala Nag

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“HAPPY NEW YEAR” By Kala Nag

Superb creation bro! Loved the concept of the story. Well, the story revolves around Jeet – Juli and the thief. Juli is in love with Jeet, and in the flow of it she surrenders herself to Jeet. But on the other hand Jeet is a pervert whose only intention was to play with her body and at the end kill her, but there was a twist..

Jeet being so friendly with a stranger (thief) was little bit suspicious right from the start and when he took him to his room, it was quite clear that Jeet was planning something! Actually, Jeet killed Juli and to escape from the police he very smartly tried to put all the blame on the thief..

He could've been successful in doing so but as they say.. as you sow so shall you reap! The thief being impressed by Jeet, his behaviour towards him, left his wallet in Juli's room. Because he didn't want to rob off the man who treated him so well. Later on, it was shown that he was having a covering on his hands that he washed off in the bathroom. And in the end it was absolutely clear that Jeet got trapped in his own plan..

Of course, the Police Investigation would end with Jeet being the only suspect because of the fingerprints he would've left in the room as well as because of his pocket.. At last, The thief saying “Happy New Year” to the driver justified the title too.

You are a wonderful writer bro, especially when it comes to thriller category you're a different version of yourself. Enjoyed a lot while reading. But there were some flaws too, the detailings could've been better, there were some errors with the spellings as well. Moreover, I think you mixed the names Juli and Rubi at some instances as well. But at the end it was definitely a great attempt by you and cheers for that!

...[7/10]...​
Thanks a lot
 
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Death Kiñg

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“Kashmkash” by Rkarya7979

A different kind of story it was and would like to appreciate you for chosing a different topic. The story was of Rohan and Sheetal, a happily married couple. However, busy in his professional life Rohan somehow ignored Sheetal, and deprived her of the love and compassion she expected from him. However, it was absolutely clear that Rohan loves her with all his heart, but was unable to express his love in front of Sheetal.

Then comes Shekhar, Rohan assumed him to be a lover of Sheetal and how things unfolded made him to think that Sheetal too loves Shekhar. He was hurt, definitely he was and because of that he questioned Sheetal directly. Well, I didn't like the way he did it, but it was good that Sheetal handled it well and didn't leave him and the house.

Later on, it is revealed by Sheetal's mother that Shekhar is a non existing person. Instead the person in their house is Sheetal's cousin as in Shikha. It was a plan of Sheetal and Shikha to make Rohan jealous so that he can express his love to Sheetal and the plan worked out quite well.

Shikha played a vital role in saving their relationship otherwise things could've been worse. At the end Rohan & Sheetal cleared their misunderstandings and finally Sheetal got what she wanted from Rohan.

The concept was unique and was well executed by the writer. But definitely there was a huge scope of betterment. The story seemed to be a little bit rushed, the emotions were an area where you could've worked on but overall the story was nice.

...[6/10]...​
 
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Mahi Maurya

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कहानी- बावड़ी
रचनाकार- Mr.Writer महोदय


कहानी बहुत अच्छी है महोदय और कहानी बिल्कुल शीर्षक के अनुरूप है। कहानी के वाद विवाद और संवेदनशीलता कहानी को चार चांद लगते हैं। फिर भी मुझे ऐसा लगता है कि अगर आप थोड़ी और मेहनत करते तो कहानी और भी बेहतरीन हो सकती थी।।

अक्सर ऐसा हो जाता है कि हम अपने बड़े बुजुर्गों की बात सुनकर उनका उपहास उड़ाते हैं उनका उपहास करते हैं। हमें ऐसा लगता है कि ये बुड्ढे हो गए हैं तो इनकी बातें भी दकियानूसी हो चुकी हैं लेकिन ऐसा होता नहीं है। कभी कभी, बल्कि यूं कहें कि उनकी बातों में अक्सर सच्चाई छुपी होती है जिसे नए जमाने के लोग इनकार करते हैं। ये सही बात है कि जमाना बदल रहा है लोग बदल रहे हैं समाज बदल रहा है लोगों की सोच बदल रही है, लेकिन कुछ बातें ऐसी हैं जो बदलती नहीं हैं। अगर सत्य है तो असत्य भी है। भगवान है तो शैतान भी है। वफ़ा है तो फरेब भी है।।

संजू और अज्जू बहुत शरारती थे और इसी शरारत के चलते वो ऐसी मुसीबत में फंस गए जिसका उन्हें सपने में भी गुमान नहीं था। बुजुर्गों की बातों का मजाक उड़ाते हुए और उनकी बात न मानते हुए वो बावड़ी में चले गए और बहुत बड़ी कठिनाई में पड़ गए। अज्जू को अपनी जान गंवानी पड़ी तो संजू अपना मानसिक संतुलन खो बैठा। बड़ों की बात को नजरअंदाज करने का इतना खतरनाक नतीजा निकला।।
 

Mahi Maurya

Dil Se Dil Tak
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कहानी- हवेली
रचनाकार- pAncArd महोदय


कहानी का शीर्षक तो बहुत उम्दा था, जिसे देखकर लगा कि कहानी भी उतनी ही उम्दा होगी, लेकिन कहानी ने बिल्कुल ही निराश किया।
न कहानी में कथा थी न पटकथा, न संवाद था न ही संवेदनशीलता। कहानी पढ़कर बिल्कुक भी मजा नहीं आया। शीर्षक से लग रहा था कि ये कहानी हॉरर होगी। कहानी के शुरुआत के 3 अनुच्छेद तक लगा कि शायद कहानी कहानी पाठकों के अंतर्मन को छू लेगी, लेकिन पाठकों की उम्मीद पर पानी फेर दिया आपने।

नंदिनी ठाकुर साहब की इकलौती बेटी थी, जिसके कारण उसे बहुत लाड प्यार मिला। इसी लाड प्यार के कारण उसे बाहर पढ़ने के लिए भेजा ठाकुर साहब ने। लेकिन नंदिनी ने उनके प्यार और अपनेपन को गलत साबित करते हुए एक लड़के से प्रेम कर लिया।
प्रेम करना कोई भी गलत बात नहीं है लेकिन अपने माँ बाप का भरोषा तोड़ना बहुत गलत बात है।

नंदिनी को अपने मम्मी पापा को इसके बारे में बहुत पहले बता देना चाहिए था अगर वो नहीं मानते तो उसे अपने माँ बाप की इच्छाओं का सम्मान करना चाहिए।
कोई भी माँ बाप जो अपने बच्चे को इतना ज्यादा प्यार करते हों। मुझे नहीं लगता कि वो अपने बच्चों के भविष्य के साथ खिलवाड़ करेंगे। भविष्य में क्या लिखा है ये कोई नहीं बता सकता है।। नंदिनी और उसके मम्मी पापा ने एक दूसरे के साथ गलत किया।। अगर नंदिनी ने अपने माँ बाप की भावनाओं को समझा होता और उसके मां बाप ने नंदिनी को समझने की कोशिश की होती तो आज नंदिनी जिंदा रहती। मैं एक बार फिर कहती हूँ कि 4 दिन के प्यार के लिए अपने माँ बाप को तकलीफ और दर्द देना किसी भी दृष्टि से सही नहीं है।।
 
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