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Reviews posted on or before 12th March 2022 11:59 PM will be considered for Best Supporting Reader
★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2022 ~ Reviews Thread ★☆★
- Thread starterAakash.
- Start date
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Death Kiñg
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“Purwa aur geeta” by SultanTipu40
A story which revolves around the “Thriller” category with a bit of suspense present in the mix. The story started off with a vivid plot and with the capability to be a great creation but somehow the narration and the dialogues ended it abruptly. The story starts off with a triple murder of Thakurs. The concept was exciting but the narration was something that could have been a lot better.
Kiran, was the main investigation officer of the murder case. And she gradually developed a strong feeling that Geeta/Purwa Is the main culprit. The past of Purwa and her family which was murdered by Thakurs and their companions was heart wrenching. They were having a grudge on Ram Singh and they ended up killing his entire family and raping Purwa's mother & elder sister. This scene showed up with the fact that the society is still having the darkness in it's roots. Hate is always an essential emotion of humans but ending up harming some innocent lives and that too with a crime like a rape...
Btw. Kiran very nicely investigated the case and found out that Geeta is Purwa and Purwa Is Geeta itself. I felt like that a bit of Supernatural affairs were also involved in the mix. Like Purwa said that she entered inside Geeta, I think the writer was unable to elaborate this thing. The conclusion I reached was that Geeta and Purwa both were on the death bed, and Purwa died. After that her soul entered the body of Geeta and provided a whole new life to her.
Raja & Rani are the two kids to whom Geeta/Purwa's mother narrates the whole incident. But it was hard to digest that such a story involving Hatred, Revenge, Molestation and even Rape scenes was being narrated to kids.. Don't you think It can have a serious inpact on their mind. Secondly, how the kids reacted after listening to the whole incident was out of my expectations, completely. Even an adult can't remain normal after listening to such things but these kids remained.. Strange...
Overall, A good attempt but I thought that It could have been better if you would have narrated it from Geeta's point of view. Like she would have been remembering all these things happened in her life, and the narration problem would have been solved. Secondly, dialogues were the part that you could have worked on. However, you were able to develop a bit of curiosity about the truth among the readers and for that I applaud you. But as I said the plot could have been worked on and It would have turned out as a Great story.
Of course there were Grammatical errors and Spelling mistakes that could have been removed by a proof read but I think you missed it.
Congratulations for a valid entry in the contest thread and Best of Luck for your second story in case you're writing.
...[6/10]...
A story which revolves around the “Thriller” category with a bit of suspense present in the mix. The story started off with a vivid plot and with the capability to be a great creation but somehow the narration and the dialogues ended it abruptly. The story starts off with a triple murder of Thakurs. The concept was exciting but the narration was something that could have been a lot better.
Kiran, was the main investigation officer of the murder case. And she gradually developed a strong feeling that Geeta/Purwa Is the main culprit. The past of Purwa and her family which was murdered by Thakurs and their companions was heart wrenching. They were having a grudge on Ram Singh and they ended up killing his entire family and raping Purwa's mother & elder sister. This scene showed up with the fact that the society is still having the darkness in it's roots. Hate is always an essential emotion of humans but ending up harming some innocent lives and that too with a crime like a rape...
Btw. Kiran very nicely investigated the case and found out that Geeta is Purwa and Purwa Is Geeta itself. I felt like that a bit of Supernatural affairs were also involved in the mix. Like Purwa said that she entered inside Geeta, I think the writer was unable to elaborate this thing. The conclusion I reached was that Geeta and Purwa both were on the death bed, and Purwa died. After that her soul entered the body of Geeta and provided a whole new life to her.
Raja & Rani are the two kids to whom Geeta/Purwa's mother narrates the whole incident. But it was hard to digest that such a story involving Hatred, Revenge, Molestation and even Rape scenes was being narrated to kids.. Don't you think It can have a serious inpact on their mind. Secondly, how the kids reacted after listening to the whole incident was out of my expectations, completely. Even an adult can't remain normal after listening to such things but these kids remained.. Strange...
Overall, A good attempt but I thought that It could have been better if you would have narrated it from Geeta's point of view. Like she would have been remembering all these things happened in her life, and the narration problem would have been solved. Secondly, dialogues were the part that you could have worked on. However, you were able to develop a bit of curiosity about the truth among the readers and for that I applaud you. But as I said the plot could have been worked on and It would have turned out as a Great story.
Of course there were Grammatical errors and Spelling mistakes that could have been removed by a proof read but I think you missed it.
Congratulations for a valid entry in the contest thread and Best of Luck for your second story in case you're writing.
...[6/10]...
Death Kiñg
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“...Meri Doosri Muhabbat...” by Aagasthya
A sad Romantica it was. The writer starts off with some poetic lines, depicting that the main protagonist had a failed relationship in the past and he wants to come out of it. Was an interesting start, could have turned out to be a good one but you missed the chance I think. The main protagonist (name not mentioned in the story) focuses on his studies to come out of the echoes of the broken love. While being on a train journey he bumps into Chitra, who seems to be a girl who lives her life to the fullest and enjoys it too.
She seemed to have developed an interest in the main lead of the story and same happened with him too. Despite having said that he doesn't want to again fall in love he falls for Chitra which I think is natural. Getting attracted to the opposite gender is natural but the train journey could have been presented in a better way, that part or I would say the whole story was a bit pacy. In 7k words with this plot you could have done a lot better but however..
Later on, Chitra returns him the Admit Card he forgot in the train and that was the point according to me where he felt it fir Chitra. Then he searched for her on social media & all but was unsuccessful. Then her Mobile Number, that he discovered in his wallet, however it was not explained how it happened but I think it was obvious that Chitra must have left it there for him...
But a sad ending to the story, he called Chitra and a police officer answered with the news that Chitra is no more. That was another failure for the main protagonist in his love life and maybe the last one too...
Emotions could have been depicted in a lot better way, I felt like at some points emotions were missing and at some points they were exaggerated but overall I found the plot to be eye catching, the narration and dialogues were the areas where a scope of betterment was present but anyways...
A short story is usually written in incomplete sentences or phrases but that should carry its complete meaning with it. There was a problem with the presentation, the spelling mistakes and all were also there.
Congratulations for your Valid entry in the contest and hope you'll come up with something more exciting in you second story.
...[5.5/10]...
A sad Romantica it was. The writer starts off with some poetic lines, depicting that the main protagonist had a failed relationship in the past and he wants to come out of it. Was an interesting start, could have turned out to be a good one but you missed the chance I think. The main protagonist (name not mentioned in the story) focuses on his studies to come out of the echoes of the broken love. While being on a train journey he bumps into Chitra, who seems to be a girl who lives her life to the fullest and enjoys it too.
She seemed to have developed an interest in the main lead of the story and same happened with him too. Despite having said that he doesn't want to again fall in love he falls for Chitra which I think is natural. Getting attracted to the opposite gender is natural but the train journey could have been presented in a better way, that part or I would say the whole story was a bit pacy. In 7k words with this plot you could have done a lot better but however..
Later on, Chitra returns him the Admit Card he forgot in the train and that was the point according to me where he felt it fir Chitra. Then he searched for her on social media & all but was unsuccessful. Then her Mobile Number, that he discovered in his wallet, however it was not explained how it happened but I think it was obvious that Chitra must have left it there for him...
But a sad ending to the story, he called Chitra and a police officer answered with the news that Chitra is no more. That was another failure for the main protagonist in his love life and maybe the last one too...
Emotions could have been depicted in a lot better way, I felt like at some points emotions were missing and at some points they were exaggerated but overall I found the plot to be eye catching, the narration and dialogues were the areas where a scope of betterment was present but anyways...
A short story is usually written in incomplete sentences or phrases but that should carry its complete meaning with it. There was a problem with the presentation, the spelling mistakes and all were also there.
Congratulations for your Valid entry in the contest and hope you'll come up with something more exciting in you second story.
...[5.5/10]...
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Umhooo story bahut hi shandar tha thriller bes story tha.
Do bache raja aur rani vaise ye naam pati patni ko shoot karta hai. SultanTipu40 sahab ne ye naam bhai bahan ko de diya.
Bachapn me sabhi ko kahani sunna acha lagta hai. Kisi ko bhooto wali pasand aata hai to kisi ko mar dhad to kisi ko pari wali kahani pasand aata.
Kahani body part transplant ki tarh soul transplant par adharit tha. Pulwa mar chuki thi. Teeno darinde ne pulwa ke puri family ko mar diya tha. Pulwa ki atma badla lena chahti thi. Par uske paas koyi body nehi tha. To usne geeta ke body ko chuna jiski body me koyi atma nehi thi bas ek nirjeev dhad tha aur bahut hi asadhar yojna banakr teeno darindo ka kaam tmam kiya jisme uska saath diya nita ne jo geeta ki dost thi. Ant me pata chla raja rani geeta ke bache the.
Aapne bahut hi jayada hard work kiya kyuki mai apke ek revo ke counter reply me padha tha aapne is story ka kuch hissa delete hone ke bad dubara likha jab kabhi aisa apry ghatna hota hai to dubara k khna bahut hi hard hota hai kyuki man tut sa jata. Phir bhi apne likha iske liye aapko ek Sault to banta hai boos.
Adbhut atulniya lekhan kaushal
Death Kiñg
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“AANT” by WongLPong
A story which can be called a perfect resemblance of its title. The plot you chose could have been a mind boggling one but the way the story was presented was..
However there were deaths and deaths and deaths and nothing else out there but there was no clue of how everything was happening. It could have been a great Thrill + Fantasy kinda story. There was scope that the King would have solved everything and would've come out with a proper solution to the problem but he himself looked clueless throughout the story.
The narration, dialogues and even the half heartedly presented plot didn't end up nicely..
However, congratulations for a valid entry, hope you come up with a better one in the second attempt.
...[2/10]...
A story which can be called a perfect resemblance of its title. The plot you chose could have been a mind boggling one but the way the story was presented was..
However there were deaths and deaths and deaths and nothing else out there but there was no clue of how everything was happening. It could have been a great Thrill + Fantasy kinda story. There was scope that the King would have solved everything and would've come out with a proper solution to the problem but he himself looked clueless throughout the story.
The narration, dialogues and even the half heartedly presented plot didn't end up nicely..
However, congratulations for a valid entry, hope you come up with a better one in the second attempt.
...[2/10]...
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Thanks bhai
Bhai aap ne sahi kaha sayad ye story mujhe geeta ke nazriye se hi likhta to ye story kuch achha ho sakta hai magar jo dimag main aaya usi par likh diya
koi baat nahi galtiyan to hoti rahati hai
ab bhai dusri kahani to nahi likhne wala main
ye story ne sabhi ko nirash kiya hai sayad mujhe bachhon ko samil nahi karna chahiye tha
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Yun to bahut mili par tujh sa koyi na mila
Ye sajish thi kudrat ki ya phir qismat ka pher
Bas dil kaye aa jee lu tujhme jinda rah kar.
Ye sajish thi kudrat ki ya phir qismat ka pher
Bas dil kaye aa jee lu tujhme jinda rah kar.
Bahut hi khoobsurat aur dil ko bhane wale shavdo se sajakr jee loon tujhe ko pesh kiya hai. Apke lekhn kaushal ka koyi jabab nehi ek ek shavd bahut hi soch vichar kar ke likha gaya.
Sivam jiske paas sabh kuch hote huye bhi koyi nehi tha. ajib si kashmkas me jee raha tha. Bahut kuch khoya phir mili ek dilruba jo na chahte huye bhi bha gaya air pyaar ho gaya. Par jinda rahte kah na paya. Bahut se pyaar aise hi adura rha jata hai. Kyuki bahut sara himmat chahiye hota hai dil baat juba par lana. Saath hi nakare jane ka dar paal paal khaye jata hai.
Par sivam ne kaha par dusra rasta chuna jab use pata chla supriya par kya bita kaise use pyaar me dhoka mila us pyaar ka natija biz banakr uske pet me palne laga par supriya ek maa thi vo maa jiske liye duniya ki sabhi dukh ek tarf aur bbacha pane ki khusi ek tarf to kiya hua bin vi hai maa ban gayi.
Phir jab pata chla supriy ke dil me infection hai aor kabhi bhi supriya ki jaan ja sakti hai to sivam ne ek bold phaisla liya aor ana dil supriya ko donet kar diya sirf dil hi nehi apna sab kuch jo uske paas tha supriya ke naam kar diya.
Aapki kahai pyaar ka ek jita jagta misal tha is kahani ne samajh ke bahrooiya hone ka bhi praman de diya jahn jhuthe pyaar ka dikhawa kar sirf sirf jismo se khela jata hai vahi sivam jaise pyaar me balidan karne vale bhi hote hai.
Adbhut atulniue lekhan kaushal
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Thanks bhaiUmhooo story bahut hi shandar tha thriller bes story tha.
Do bache raja aur rani vaise ye naam pati patni ko shoot karta hai. SultanTipu40 sahab ne ye naam bhai bahan ko de diya.
Bachapn me sabhi ko kahani sunna acha lagta hai. Kisi ko bhooto wali pasand aata hai to kisi ko mar dhad to kisi ko pari wali kahani pasand aata.
Kahani body part transplant ki tarh soul transplant par adharit tha. Pulwa mar chuki thi. Teeno darinde ne pulwa ke puri family ko mar diya tha. Pulwa ki atma badla lena chahti thi. Par uske paas koyi body nehi tha. To usne geeta ke body ko chuna jiski body me koyi atma nehi thi bas ek nirjeev dhad tha aur bahut hi asadhar yojna banakr teeno darindo ka kaam tmam kiya jisme uska saath diya nita ne jo geeta ki dost thi. Ant me pata chla raja rani geeta ke bache the.
Aapne bahut hi jayada hard work kiya kyuki mai apke ek revo ke counter reply me padha tha aapne is story ka kuch hissa delete hone ke bad dubara likha jab kabhi aisa apry ghatna hota hai to dubara k khna bahut hi hard hota hai kyuki man tut sa jata. Phir bhi apne likha iske liye aapko ek Sault to banta hai boos.
Adbhut atulniya lekhan kaushal
Hhhhhhh bhai naam to pati patni our bhai bahan ka bhi ho sakta hai dono hi main achha lagta hai
Bhai itana likhane ke baad bhi story main bahut se galtiyan ho gayi hai jo mujhe achha nahi laga magar koi baat nahi bhai galti karne ke baad hi sikhane ka mokka milta hai thanks bhai
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SultanTipu40 sahab nirasha me hi asa ki kiran chhupi hoti hai isliye demotivet hone ki jarurat nehi hi
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Bhai galti karne se hi sikha milta hai bina galti ke koyi awiskar pura nehi hota. Mai bas aapke liye itna kahunga
Ooth rahi dekh naya sawera aaya hai
Dhup tez hai to kiya hua
Najre uthakar dekh
Badli ne tere ashish me shish jhukaya hai.
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Bahut khubsurat likha hai mod hone ke naate man kar raha tha bahut sara gali doon par kiya karu aap ke andar chhpe adbhut lekhan ne mere man ko jeet liya isliye bas itna hi kahunga.
Fharman suna gayi
parcha bhi jeb me dal gayi par milne se pahle
haye re qismat
khud jakar truck se bhid gayi.