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★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2022 ~ Reviews Thread ★☆★

Jaguaar

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ek rajya me raja 10 dino se bimar tha. Or use abhi 2 din pehle hi khuskhabri milli thi, uske do judwa bachhe huye the. Par raja khushi manane ki halat me nahi tha. Us rajya ke sare vedo ko bulaya gya opchar ke liye par sab ke sab nakam ho gaye.
5 din baad raja gujar gaya. Rani ko kafi bada jhatka laga par. Use apne dono beto ke liye jinda rehna tha. To rajya ka sara kaam rani ke kandho par tha jab tak unke bachhe bade nahi ho jate tab tak.
Phir aise 10 saal gujar gaye.sab khusi se chal raha tha par un dono rajukumar ki tabiyat achhanak se bigad gayi. Or vo bimar ho gaye. Jab vedo ne janch kiya to pata laga yeh dono bhi usi bimari ke shikar huye h jis bimari se raja bimar huye the.
Rani ko dar tha ki unke bachho ko kuchh ho na jaye. Or vahi huya jiska unhe dar tha. Unme se ek rajkumar jinda nahi bachh paya.
Par dusre rajkumar ki tabiyat abhi bhi tik nahi thi ki rani bhi bimar ho gayi or vo pehle se hi sadme me thi is karan bimar hone ke do din baad hi vo bhagwan ko pyari ho gayi.
Rajkumar kuch dino me thik ho gaya par vo kafi kamjor ho gya. Uss rajya ke sare mantriyon ne yeh tay kiya ki rani ke bhai yani is rajya ke mitra rajya ko iss rajya ko sonpa jayega jab tak rajkumar iss rajya ko sambhlne layak nahi ho jaye.
Rajkumar bada ho gaya or ab vo kafi tandrust bhi tha. Usne har vo niti sikhi jo ki ek raja ko achha raja banane me madad kare.
Vo din aa gaya jis din rajkumar ko raja banaya jayega. Sab sahi se ho gaya. Rajkumar raja bhi ban gaya. Raja banne ke 2 ghante baad hi ek dut aata hai or ek buri khabar deta hai.
Is rajya ke ek gaanv ke sare logo ko buri tarike se khatam kar diya. Or us gaanv ke andar koi bhi jivit nahi bachha sab nasht ho gaya hai.
Is baat se raja ko kafi dukh huya. Usne is baat ki tah tak janne ke liye us gaanv me jana chahte the. Or vo jaise hi gaanv ke karib pahunche unhe har taraf khoon se sani dewware najar aayi. Waha ke aisa haal ho gaya tha. Ki raja vo sab dekh na saka or jee ghabrane laga or uski ulti hone lagi. Raja ke sahayko ne unhe sambhala. Or usnhe yeh salah di ki hum sab rajmahal wapas chalte hai. Waha par jakar kuch sochte hai ki iska kya kiya ja sakta hai. To raja kuch kehne ko hi hota hai ki ek ghode par sawar ek admara sa aadmi unki tarf hi aa raha tha to raja aangrakshako ne raja ko charo taraf se gher liya unko bachhane ke liye. Par jaise hi vo ghoda aa kar ruka sab hairan ho gaye ki us ghode par jo aadmi hai vo pura khoon se lat pat tha or uske pero or hatho ki chamdi bhi udhad gayi thi. Raja phir is manjar se ghabra jata hai or phir ulti kar deta hai.
Thodi der baad ved aate hai or us aadmi ko thik karte hai or vo bolne ki halat me aate hi vo rone lagta hai. Jab us se puchha jata hai ki tum ro kyon rahe ho to usne bataya ki uska pura pariwar us gaanv me khatam ho gaya. To usse phir puchha jata hai tum kis gganv ki baat kar rahe ho to usne pass wale gaanv ka naam liya yeh sunke raja jo abhi tak aaram se betha tha vo hairani se uth jata hai or sochne lagata hi ki meri kismat kitni kharab hai ki jis din mai raja bana usi din 2 gaanv mere rahte hi tabah ho gaye. Or uski halat bhi dekhi nahi ja rahi hai. To raja ne sabhi mantriyon sahit bake bachhe gaanvo ko surksha dena ka faisla sunaya.
Sare log jald se jald tayari me jut gaye. Thodi der baad jab tayari khatam huyi tabhi ek dut aata hai or kehta hai gajab ho gaya sarkaar 2 or gaanvo ka khaatma ho gaya. Yeh sunke sabhi logo ke kaan khade ho gaye.
sab pareshaan ho gaye ki aab kya kiya jaye. Par raja ne kaha baki bachhe tin gaanvo ko abhi ke abhi surkha milni chahiye usme deri nahi karni chahiye. To sare sainik un gaanvo ke liye rawana ho gaye or vo vahan ki raksha karne lage.
Yeh din thoda sirdard tha par jaise taise nikal gaya.
Agle din raja kafi kush najar aaya pata nahi kyon par shaayad use is baat ki khusi thi ki baki tin gaanv to bachh hi gaye vo bhi uski sujh bujh se.
par raj ki khushiyon ko to najar lagi huyi thi. Or uske is naye din ke abhi 2 ghante bhi nahi gujre the ki ek dut aata hai ki ussne jo bhi sainik bheje the vo sab maare gaye or gaanv walo ko bhi khatam kar diya.
Ab us rajya me koi bhi gaanv nahi bachha tha or vo iss bat ko pachane ke liye tahal hi raha tha ki uske rajmahal me hamla hota hai.

Or us rajmahal ke sainik kab jinda se murda ho gaye is baat ki bhanak bhi nahi lagi. Jab raja apne kaksha ke andar apne aap ko ladai ke liye tayati kar raha tha ki uske kaksha ka darwaja tut gaya or waha par raja par hamala ho gya or jaise hi raja ne apne sir duri tarf kiya ki raja ka sir us kaksha ki khidki se bahar tha. Jaate jaate raja ko us saksha ki sahkal dikhi jo iss sab ke pichhe tha. Par ab is rajaya ke saath saath is kahani ka bhi aant ho gaya.
Story mein sirf aant hi aant dikhaa. Starting mein hi Raja ki maut hui. Uske kuch saal baad ek Rajkumar uske kuch samay baad Rani phir ek ek karke gaanv ka aant hua aur last khud aakhri Raja urf Rajkumar ka.


Par innlogo ka aant hua kaisee. Aisi kaunsi bimaari hogyi thi Raja aur uske dono beto ko. Jiske chalte Raja aur uske ek bete ki maut hogyi. Lekin baad mein dusra beta maa ke marne ke baad ekdum se tandurust hogyaa.

Phir aisa kaha hota hai ke eksaath pure gaanv ke logo ko maardiyaa. Kisne maara kyo maara kab maara kaise maara iska koi jawaab nhi mila. Puri story bahot hi confused aur fast lagi mujhe.

Umeed hai agli story jaldi milegi aur ek alag tarike ki milegi
 
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harshit1890

" End Is Near "
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Harshit sir aspke story par Kya hi kahu...shandar likho ho bilkul...but story padh aisa laga jaise terminater movie ke script ko thoda pher badal karke likha gaya hai...ab usspar Mai Kya likhu...ye Jo subject hai wo kafi uljhano bhara hota hai ,jiske paksh aur vipaksh me tark diye ja sakte hai...Jo bhi ho lekin likha kafi badhiya tarike se gaya hai...aur sabse maje ki baat ye hai ki agar aap aalochana Karne Jaye ho to aisa lagega jaise khud se jod rahe ho bate ...so ek story ko aisa Roop Dena ye darshata hai ki story me ek bhi loop hole nhi chhoda hai....nice story & storyline...
Thank you so much bhai :hug: Terminator nahi ye Apocalypse ki trah ho gayi. Terminator mein earth kahan destory hua tha yahan to humne wahi khtam kr diya :D Par han hai machine se hi milta julta.. Jo ki ek topic rehta hai but is baar humanity ko koi chance hi nahi dene ka :D Thanks for reading bhai... :cheers: :dost:
 
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Sigma_Male

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I love horror genre stories because the thrill, fear and suspense in this category enthralls our mind.

The ending of the story was shocking to me as Aman was already dead and it seemed nowhere from the beginning of the story.

You have written a very good story, plot of the story is also good but while reading the story, I felt that everything is happening very quickly, Horror stories follow a rhythm that I missed and lacked in details.


Everything else was great, thank you so much for writing such a great story.
Thank you Aakash. for detailed review
 

harshit1890

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"Everything is binary" by harshit1890

Boht hi badhiya creation. Marvelous! :applause:
Story was based on sci-fi. Fantasy bolne ki zaroorat nahi because it is obvious. Saath hi time travel bhi dekhne ko mila which I personally was not expecting.

Writer ne yaha first person perspective se iski rachna ki hai which according to me fits the story very well. Aur uska udaahran pehle hi para me dekhne ko mil gaya. 1st PP se kese Vikrant ne apne aap ko introduce kiya, by illustrating his phishing skills. Writer created an environment there to prevent the readers from skipping the story. Aur waqai, wesa hi hua.

Kaafi saari cheeze dekhne ko mili story me. Phishing, time travel, loop, future, machines and what not. Iss 7k words ki limit me kayi saare concepts induce kiye writer ne. For that :applause:

Sabse khaas baat jo thi wo thi small details about Vikrant's behaviour. Uska hologram ko dekhne ke baad wo susu karna jo ki tension ke maare badhte pressure se hua, perro ko tension me hilaana jab wo folder khul raha tha, hologram aate hi panic hote hue sabse pehle cpu ki cable kheechne ke baare me sochna, etc. These small details showed ki ek aam insaan inn sthithiyo me kese react karta aur kese karna chahiye. This was done to make readers attached to the protagonist. Good work!

Ab baat karte hai story ke plot ki. Mene time loop, time paradox ye sabhi kuch light novels me padh chuka hai. Still, this was something new because of the only one thing. Binary! Machine ka involve hona aur humans ko khud ke kaam ke liye instructions dete jaana. That alone can be scary and we saw how it went in the story.

Still, there were many questions which were left answered. But hey, sometimes it's good to leave some questions answered. :D
What was Binary exactly? How was Binary able to send information into the past? Why Binary wanted to Destroy Earth? How the heck Vikrant learned all those skills? Wasn't that a helmet instead of Hat? If China helped Vikrant to make that Lab, why wasn't there any govt. interference from Vikrant's country? And many more.

These were some questions which were left unanswered which I understand. Word limit! :D

Ek baat mujhe jo odd lagi wo tha sex scene.I know writer wanted to put as much as he can but sometimes not all the things are necessary. :smile2:
Girl was in a hurry, Vikrant was disturbed by Hologram's voice and then too they did it. Toh woh thoda off laga mujhe. Wahi words thoda aur thrill ke liye use kare jaa sakte the. Because the girl wasn't too important in the first place.

Ab baat karte hai phishing ki. I'm assuming ki Vikrant India se belong karta hai kyuki writers ne kayi hints dii hai subconsciously ya intentionally. Power outage ke waqt, sabse pehle unn countries me India ka naam likhna. Impact Himalayas me hona. Vikrant, ek Hindi naam hona. The girl too. Ye sab ek hi baat bataata hai ki Vikrant India me tha aur shayad Indian bhi.

Haan! Ab baat aayi wahi Phishing ki. Toh phishing was first found in 1995. But wider range me logo ko iske baare me 2000 me pata chala tha. Love bug ke aane ke baad. Aur yaha Vikrant 2000 aur uss se pehle se hi phishing karta aa raha tha? Not to mention he was in India. Ye thoda sa out of expectation tha. Just the year. Nothing else. Still, I will ignore that. :D

Critique ke taur par yahi kahunga ki, some grammatical errors, misplaced punctuations aur ek jagah incorrect tense ke alaawa mujhe koi bhi fault nazar nahi aaya. :good: Very good!
Shayad writer ne proofread nahi kiya post karne se pehle. Aur kaafi rush me post kii gayi thi lagta hai.

But at the end, this is a phenomenal work! :good:

P.S ~ Mene wo date ka pata nahi kiya hai. :D: Jis din moon Destroy hota hai. Shayad writer ne already check kar ke daali hai. Uss din shayad waqai moon earth ke close rahega? Or maybe it was random. I don't know. Remember! Some questions are left answered. :D
what a phenomenal review :bow: Main soch raha tha ispar 'WOW' wala reaction dun par end mein ate ate chehre par muskan aa gayi to 'Laugh' de diya. You captured the detailing of the story is brilliant... :adore: To jitni bhi apne choti chizen pakad kar likha uske liye dil se shukriya.. :heart: Jo point out kre vo bilkul theek tha par jaise kuch chizen unaccounted hoti hai bec reader ko plot se jode rakhna hota hai wahi yahan bhi hua waise bhi sci-fi is all based on imagination :D Kuch chizon ke answer kahani mein hi hai ki Binary actually krta kya tha aur usne earth kyun destory kiya.

Poof read kar ke hi diya tha.. Par mere sath errors ki problem bachpan se hai aur vo hamesha rahegi.. :p: Anyways thank u so much for the wonderful read of the story :dost:
 

Mahi Maurya

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रचनाकार- Death Kiñg महोदय

बहुत ही बढ़िया महोदय।

बहुत ही बेहतरीन और हृदय विदारक और दिल को झकझोर देने वाली कहानी पेश की है आपने।। जर जमीन और जोरू।। वर्तमान समय में जितने भी झगड़े होते हैं अब वो चाहे घरेलू हो या बाहरी। सभी का कारण यही होता है। माँ बाप के गुजरने के बाद शिवम को जिस प्रेम की आशा अपने बड़े भाई और भौजाई से थी। वो उसे नहीं मिला बल्कि उनके ताने और कटाक्षपूर्ण बातें सुनने को मिली से अलग।।

प्रेम, करुणा, संवेदनशीलता, त्याग, बलिदान और निःस्वार्थ भावना साथ ही बिना किसी उम्मीद के शिवम और सुप्रिया के प्यार को बहुत ही बखूबी और कम शब्दों में चरितार्थ किया गया है। दोनों ही अपनों के सताए हुए थे। शिवम को उसके भाई भौजाई ने छला तो सुप्रिया को उसके बॉयफ्रेंड ने। लेकिन दोनों की किस्मत इतनी खराब थी कि बेपनाह प्यार करने के बाद भी दोनों मिल नहीं पाए। शिवम ने सुप्रिया को अपना हृदय देकर अपने प्यार को अमर कर दिया और साथ मे अपने आपको सुप्रिया में दोबारा जिंदा किया।। बहुत ही मार्मिक और करुणा से भरपूर कहानी।।
 

Destiny

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Main station pahuchne me kafi late ho chuka tha, bus dua kar raha tha ki train na ayi ho, main jaise hi station k platform pahucha train k horn ki awaz sunai di, train chal di thi. Main daud kar train me chad gaya aur apne coach jo ki 3rd AC tha usme pahuch gya. Raat ka time tha to main apni seat pe let gya aur pet already bhara tha to ankh lag gyi.

Der raat meri ankh khuli, main dekh k hairan rah gya train poori khali thi, train kisi jungle me thi aur lights bhi band thi, mujhe samajh nahi aa raha tha ki ye train khali kaise ho gyi aur jungle me kaha ruk gyi. Main seat se utha aur train se bahar nikla to pata chala train ka koi ata pata nahi tha, bus ek coach jisme main baitha tha vo jungle k virane me ek purani abandoned patri pe tha. Dar k mare dil tezi se dhadakne laga. Baki ki train, mere coach k Baki log kahan gaye, main yahan kaise aa gya, ye sub sawal mere dimag me kaundh rahe the, ek pal to mujhe laga ki ye zaroor koi bura sapna hai, maine apne chikuti kaati, ye koi sapna nahi tha ye hakikat hi thi. Fir mujhe ahsas hua ki kisi ne mujhe koi nasheela padarth sungha k mera sara saman hadap liya hai akyuki mera bag mobile and purse wagahra gayab tha. Par mera saman le k hi jana tha to le jate mujhe virane me iss abandoned train me, sunsan jungle me kyu chhod gaye ye samajh nahi aa raha tha.

Iss jungle me raat me dahshat ka mahaul tha, kab koi jungli janwar ya chor daku mujhe maar de koi bharosa nahi tha. Main bahar ek disha me chalna laga, fir maine socha wapas coach me jaa k dhundhta hu Shayad mera purse ya mobile wahan mil jaye kisi cabin me, main wapis coach pe jane k liye muda hi tha ki mujhe kutto k bhaukne ki awaz ayi aur jangli kutto k dar se maine wapas coach me jaa k mobile lene ka irada chhoda. Dar k mare main wapas uss disha me tez tez bhagne laga. Kuchh der to laga ki pichhe kutte aa rahe hain, par meri pichhe mud k dekhne ki himmat nahi hui. Main bhagta raha, thodi der baad kutto k bhaukne ki awaze bhi ana band ho gyi. Ab main hafne laga aur jungle me koi aabadi nazar nahi aa rahi thi. Main thoda ruka aur ab tez tez kadmo se chalne laga kyuk ab aur bhagne ki himmat nahi thi mujhme. Thodi der baad main jungle k kinare pahuch gya aur ek road pe nikla jo sunsan thi. Road k dusri taraf khet tho aur ek taraf yani jidhar se main aya tha jungle. Road sunsan thi aur koi bhi waahan guzarta nahi dikh raha tha, maine jeb tatoli jeb me purse bhi nahi tha, purse bhi coach me hi chhut gya tha. Maine socha agar jeb pe aise hote to kisi commercial gaadi me chad jata ab paise nahi hain free me hi kisi se lift leni padegi. Main sadak pe hi khada raha thodi der, kafi der baad ek car dikhai di maine hath dikhaya par car nahi ruki. Zahir si baat hai sunsan me ek ajnabi k hath dikhane pe car kaun rokega. Aise hi adhe ghante se zyada waqt beet gya is dauran kai car nikli par kisi ne car nahi roki. Main nirash hoke sadak pe kinare baith gya sir jhuka k. Thodi der baad maine notice kiya ki ek car mere paas aa k ruki, main khada hua, dekha car me ek lady baithi thi 25-30 saal ki.

“Aap sadak pe aise baithe hain? Theek to hain ya koi takleef ha?” Us lady ne puchha.

Main socha ki usko train se jungle me pahuchne wali baat bataunga to ye mujhe nashedi ya paagal samajhlegi aur tab shayad meri help na kare, mujhe ise aisa kuchh batana hoga jispe ye yakeen kar sake. Ye soch k maine usse kaha

“Ji mera naam Aman hai, vo meri train chhut gyi hai, actually train jungle me ruki thi main bahar nikla thoda tahalne k liye aage nikal aya aur achanak se train chal di jab tak main train pahuchta train jaa chuki thi, main akela safar kar raha tha train me koi janne wala hota to vo chain khich k train rok leta, mera mobile, purse, sara saman train me hi chhut gya hai”

“Ohh rail line toh I guess yahan se 4-5 km door hogi, aap wahan se paidal aa rahe hain, aiye baithiye.” Usne ye kah k door khola car ka aur main car me sawar ho gaya. Main aage baitha aur tab mujhe ahsas hua ki car me pichhe koi aur bhi baitha hai, koi young ladka tha pichhe baithe, uske halke halke kharrate ki awaz aa rahi thi.

“Ji madad k liye shukriya” maine kaha.

“Main Sneha Pichhe jo so raha hai vo mera chhota bhai Rohit hai, hum dono ek function se laut rahe hain. To apko apne kisi janne wale ka number yaad hai? Agar ho to unse baat kar k apni location bata dijiye ki abhi aap Ramnagar district me hain.” Us lady ne kaha.

Ye sun k maine jawab diya “nahi mujhe koi bhi mobile number nahi yaad hai, bus apna number mujhe yaad hai uspe call kar k dekh lijiye shayad kisi ko mila ho to vo safe rakhe ho mera phone”

Aur maine use apna number bataya jispe usne call kiya par phone switch off aya yani jis kisi ko bhi mera bag aur phone mile the uski wapas karne ki mansha nahi thi.

She said: “Ohh Aman apka number utha nahi aur ab apko dusre kisi janne wale ka number bhi nahi maloom. Aisa karte hain main apko auto rikshaw stand tak chhod deti hu aur kiraye k paise de deti hu taki aap wahan se rail station aur station se wapas apne ghar ya kisi janne wale k paas pahuch saken.”

Ye kahte hue Sneha ne kuchh note purse se nikal kar mujhe diye.

Meri ankho me ansu aa gye the, mujhe ummid nahi thi koi anjan meri help karega, par insaniyat abhi bhi zinda hai.

Me : “Ji bahot bahot shukriya, agar apko aitraz na ho aap apna ya apne bhai ka koi contact number de dijiye jab main apni manzil pahuch jaunga main apko paise lauta dunga.”


Sneha: “Are uski koi zarurat nahi hai, par haan ek contact number main apna aapko de deti hu agar koi problem aye to call kar k bata dijiyega, nahi to safely pahuch jaiyega to bata dijiyega.”


Me: “Thank you again apka sneha, jab main road pe pahucha tha to maine kai cars ko hath deke rokne ki kosish ki thi par koi nahi ruki thi, ant me main nirash ho kar road kinare baith gaya, aap ne car rokne ka risk liye aur meri madad ki main dua karta hu ishwar se, Upar wala apko tarakki de.”


Sneha: “Are bus shukriya ki ab koi zarurat nahi hai, haan aise me help karne me risk to hota hai, par apko aise baithe dekh mujhe feel hua ki shayad apko such me help ki madad ki zaroorat hai aur aapse baat kar k clear ho gya tha ki aapko wakai me madad ki zarurat thi.”

Tabhi pichhe se awaz aayi “What the hell didi ye admi kaun hai.”

Ye 19-20 saal ka Rohit tha Sneha ka Chhota bhai tha jo pichhe baitha so raha tha aur achanak se jaga aur aage ek admi ko baithe dekh ghabra gaya shayad.

Rohit ki awaz sun k Sneha ne usko jawab diya.

“Ohh rohit tum jag gaye are ghabrao nahi ye Aman hain, inka sara saman including Mobile train me chhut gaya, ye train rukne par train se kuchh minutes k kiye nikle the aur train chal di, to ab inke paas kuchh bhi nhi hai even koi contact number bhi nahi yaad hai siwaye apne khud k phone k aur inka phone switched off aa raha hai."

Aman (me): "Hello Rohit."

Rohit: "Hello aman! Sorry main sote se achanak jaga tha to chauk gaya tha."


Khair mujhe sneha se puchhne pe time pata chala ki raat ya balki kahen subah me 2 baje se upar ho chuka tha. Ab humari car kai km chal chuki thi aur akhirkar sunsan rasta khatam hua aur car ek kasbe k paas se guzri kuchh aabadi nazar aane lagi halaki der raat ka time hone ki wajah se sannata hi pasra hua tha makaan zaroor dikh rahe the par koi bhi shakhs sadak pe nazar nahi aa raha tha, khair hum ek auto rikshaw stand k paas pahuche jahan Sneha ko mujhe drop karna tha. Khair maine Sneha se vida liya aur usko ek baar aur shurkiya bol kar main uski car se utar gaya.

Main auto rickshaw stand pe pahucha jahan itni raat ka samay hone k kaaran aur chhota mota kasba k nazdik hone k kaaran 2 auto khade hi nazar aa rahe the. Main auto k paas gaya to ek auto lock the aur koi driver nahi tha dusre auto me driver auto k andar so raha tha.


Mujhe uski nind se jagane me thodi hichak mahsoos hui main thodi der wahi khada raha. Thodi der baad wahan ek aur Auto wala aya, shayad vo kisi sawari ko chhod k aa raha tha kyuki auto khali tha. Mujhe khada dekh k usne mujhe puchha "kahan jana hai bhayya aapko, itni raat me aap yahan kaise, itni raat ko to koi sawari nahi milti main khud yaha auto khada kar k sone aya tha kyuki ghar mera kafi door hain yahan se par apko kahi jana ho to bataiye chhod deta hu"

Me "vo actually mera naam Aman hai mera phone kahi gayab hai aur train se main galti se yahan utar gaya bich me jungle me train rukne pe, mujhe train se Delhi tak jana tha"

He "ohh to aise karta hu apko Ramnagar k Railway station chhod deta hu wahan se apko Delhi ki koi na koi train mi hi jayegi."

Me "theek hai aap mujhe Railway station pe chhod do."

Aur main uske auto pe sawar ho gaya. Khair usne bataya ki uska naam Manoj hai aur railway station tak ka rasta thoda lamba hai to main aur auto driver manoj baate bhi karne lage raste me.

Manoj (auto driver) : "to yahan tak kaise pahuche sir aap."

Me: "Vo ek car me ek ladki aur uska bhai tha unhone lift di thi"

Manoj: "Oh….achha ajeeb baat hai kuchh din pahle ek accident hua tha usi route pe jahan ki aap bata rahe hain uss accident me ek ladki aur uska chhota bhai mare gaye the truck se hua tha accident santro car thi white color ki"

Ye sun k main sann ho gaya kyuki Sneha ki car bhi white thi. Mujhe laga kahi ye auto wala faltu me mujhe dara to nahi raha hai. Par maine socha isne to mujhe Sneha ki car me baithte ya utarte dekha bhi nahi, Balki ye to sneha k mujhe drop karne k kafi der baad mujhe mila. Maine himmat kar k usse puchha.

"Hmm...ajeeb sanyog hai, waise jo log mare the unke naam bata sakte ho kya?"

Driver Manoj: "are sahab ab naam kahan yaad rahenge vo to main wahan se uss din guzar raha tha to accident se damage santro car khud maine dekhi thi jise police kisi tarah raste se hata rahi thi accident k baad, isiliye yaad hai mujhe color."

Me : "kahi ladki kaa naam Sneha to nahi tha?"

He : "kahe dara rahe ho sahab ab koi mara hua shakhs thodi lift dega apko, unko car bhi white santro thi kya?"

Me "yes"

Ye sun k uss auto driver manoj ke expression ek dum badal gaye vo ghabraya hua dikhne laga, usne kisi ko phone milaya. Aur phone pe baat karye hue kaha "haa bhai sorry itni raat ko phone kar raha hu koi serious baat nahi bus vo accident hua tha pichhle month to vo ladki ka kya naam tha?"

Jawab sun k meri taraf dekhte hue usne kaha "achha sneha naam tha"

Me "Aur bhai kaa naam?"

Manoj "haa bhai vo ladki k bhai ka naam?...........achha Rohit"

Ye sun k mere dil ki dhadkane tez ho gayin, how can this be possible? No way they were alive. Sneha ne even mujhe apna number bhi diya tha. Yahi sub main sochne laga. Yahi Manoj phone pe baat kar chuka tha.

He "to uske bhai ka naam bhi Rohit tha kya jisne apko lift di thi?"

Me "yes"

He "hm...ab jo hua so hua ab mujhe dar lag raha hai to abhi ispe charcha ab aur nahi karte hain main apko station chhod deta hu, fir main sidha jaunga apne ghar."

Me "dekho main tumhe dara nahi raha par dar to mujhe lag raha hai tum jiske accident ki baat kar rahe ho usne mujhe lift di lift hi nahi paise bhi diye aur apna phone number bhi diya hai"

Ye bol k main apni jeb tatolne laga ki vo rupay aur vo parchi jisme sneha ne mujhe apna number likh k diya tha vo main driver ko dikha saku. Par meri dono hi jebe khali thi. Ab samajh gaya zaroor mera ghost encounter hua tha. Khair maine manoj se puchha "waise kisse baat kar rahe the tum"

Manoj "are sahab vo local police me hain mere ek janne wala night duty lagti hai unki accident k baad vo bhi wahan pahuche the to isliye maine phone se unse info li, dost hai vo police wala mera."

Tabhi manoj ka phone baja, usi police wale ka phone tha jiske bare me manoj baat kar raha tha, iss baar phone receive kar k Manoj ne speaker pe laga diya, taki baat mujhe bhi sunai pade.

Vo police wala on phone : "haa kya hua Manoj koi bhoot voot to nahi dekh liya? Aur sala tum daru to peete nahi ho kahi aaj pee to nahi li? Itni raat me auto chala rahe ho 3 se upar ho gaya main bhi ab night duty khatam kar k jaa raha hu tum bhi ab so jaao."

Manoj "haa bhai sawari chhod k ab ghar hi jaunga"

Police man "ok waise main dara nahi raha par raat me thoda sambhal k rahiyo, kuchh din pahle ek car wale ko bhoot dikh gaya tha"

Manoj "bhoot? Kiska bhoot? Wahi accident wali ladki Sneha ka?"

Police man: "are nahi re….koi admi tha 30 k aas paas ka uska bhoot, uss admi ki maut kai saal pahle hui thi train accident me yahi apne jile me, par saal bhar ho gaya hai shayad uss accident ko."

Manoj "achha k...kya naam tha uss admi ka ko accident me mara tha….mera matlab rail accident me?"

Police "abe tu naam aise puchhta hai jaise mujhe rata hua ho, aur rail accident me ek nahi kareeb 30 se zyada log mare the bogi k patri se utarne ke kaaran par uss ghata ko saal bhaar ho gaya hai, vo admi bhi un 30 me se ek tha jo mare the, ruk hold kar phone me dekh k batata hu uska kya naa tha jiska bhoot dikhne ki ghatna hui thi……………...haan vo... Aman…Aman Kumar naam tha uska…."

Uss police wale ne Phone pe itna hi kaha tha ki manoj behosh ho gaya aur auto aniyantrit ho k sadak kinare jaa k ek ped se takrayi………...

Bada hi rocha aur adbhut tarhyo se bhara tha ye story ajeeb raat. Pahle to aman train ki bogi me chut gaya uski help karne sheneha aayi jo ki usi rod par ek acdient meri gayi thi.

Par aman khud hi ek bhoot tha jo sal bhar huye ek train hadse me mara gaya tha. Aor vo auto driver monoj se help manga ki use railway station chhod de. Par jab use pata chala help mangne wala hi aman hi jise pahle bhi ek adh bar dekha gaya to vichare ke saath hi dueghtna ho gaya.

Ek ek shvdo ko thol mol kar likha gaya saath hi suspens ko is tarh gada gaya ki ant tak pade bina pata nehi chalega ki akhir aman hai kaun bahut khub shandar story.

Adbhut atulniya lekhan kaushal:applause::applause::applause:
 

Jaguaar

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नई नौकरानी शबनम
हम नए नए इस घर में आए थे। इस कालोनी में मेरा कोई दोस्त नहीं था। स्कूल से
आने के बाद मैं अकेला बैठ कर बोर होता रहता था। पापा सिर्फ सप्ताहांत पर घर
आते थे और मम्मी शाम ६ बजे तक। कुछ ही दिनों में मम्मी ने काम करने के लिए एक
नौकरानी रख लिया था जो कि पास ही के झुग्गी इलाके की थी। देखने में वो कुछ
खास नहीं थी पर बहुत ही सेक्सी थी। उसे देख कर अच्छे अच्छे का दिल डोल सकता
था तो फिर मैं कौन था। वो हमेशा ढीले-ढाले कपड़े पहन कर आती थी और जब झुक कर
कोई काम करती थी तो मेरा लंड तड़प कर रह जाता था।

मैंने उसे पटाने की ठानी। मेरे स्कूल से आने के थोड़ी देर बाद ही वो आ जाती
थी। अब मैं उस पर खास मेहरबान रहता था। मैं हमेशा उससे बात करने की कोशिश
करता रहता था। जब भी मेरी और उसकी नज़रें मिलती, मैं मुस्कुरा देता था। धीरे
धीरे वो मुझसे खुल कर बातें करने लगी।

एक दिन मैं बैठा टीवी देख रहा था । तभी वो काम ख़त्म करके मेरे पास आई और
बोली- देखो तनु, मैं जा रही हूँ।

मैंने कहा- अभी तो मम्मी आई भी नहीं हैं, थोड़ी देर बैठो और टीवी देखो।

वो वहीं बैठ गई और टीवी देखने लगी । वो बहुत महीन कपड़े पहने हुए थी और गौर से
देखने पर उसकी चूचियां दिखाई पर रही थी। मेरा लंड पैंट के अन्दर ही कसमसाने
लगा। मैंने अपने पैर फैला दिए और इस तरह कर दिया जिससे मेरे पैर उसके पैरों
को छूने लगें।

तभी बिजली चली गई, मैंने कहा- चलो शबनम, बालकोनी में से सड़क पर देखते हैं।

फिर हम दोनों उठ कर बालकोनी में आ गए। वो रेलिंग पर हाथ रख कर खड़ी थी। मैंने
भी अपना हाथ हौले से उसके हाथ पर रखा और बगल में खड़ा हो गया। मेरा दिल बड़े
जोर से धड़क रहा था लेकिन उसने कुछ नहीं कहा।

मेरी हिम्मत बढ़ी और मैंने हल्के से उसके हाथ को दबाना शुरू किया, उसने एक बार
मेरी तरफ देखा और मैंने मुस्कुरा दिया। इस पर उसने अपनी आँखें नीची कर ली।
मैं समझ गया कि वो भी तैयार है।

मैं अब उससे सट कर खडा हो गया और अपना हाथ उसके कूल्हे पर रख दिया। दूर से
देखने पर ऐसा लग रहा था कि जैसे हम सड़क पर कुछ देख रहे हैं। मैंने अपना हाथ
धीरे से उसके कमीज़ के भीतर डाल दिया और उसकी चिकनी पीठ सहलाने लगा।

वो धीरे से बोली- तनु अन्दर चलो यहां कोई देख लेगा।

हम अन्दर आ गये और एक सोफे पर बैठ गए। मैंने एक हाथ से उसके सर को पकड़ा और
अपने होंठ उसके होंटों पर रख दिए और चूसने लगा । कसम से उसके होंठ इतने रसीले
थे कि जैसे कोई लॉलीपोप।

शबनम ने अपनी आँखों को बंद कर लिया था। लगभग दस मिनट तक मैं उसके होंटों को
चूसता रहा। फिर मैंने उसके कपड़े उतारना शुरू कर दिया। अब वो बिल्कुल नंगी थी
और आँखें नीचे किये खड़ी थी। उसकी बड़ी बड़ी चुचियों को देख मैं पागल हुआ जा
रहा था। मैंने पहली बार किसी की नंगी चूचियां देखी थी। मैं किसी बच्चे की तरह
उसकी चुचियों को चूसने लगा था। कभी मसल रहा था और शबनम अपनी होंठों को दांतों
से दबाये सिसकारी ले रही थी।

मैंने उसे सोफे पे लिटाया और अपने कपड़े भी उतार दिए। मेरा लंड बिल्कुल खड़ा हो
चुका था। मैंने उसके पैरों को थोड़ा फैलाया और लंड के अगले मोटे भाग को उसकी
झांट से भरी चूत पर रख कर एक जोर का धक्का दिया। मेरा लंड आधे तक अन्दर घुस
गया।

शबनम के मुंह से एक दबी दबी सी सिसकारी निकली और उसने सोफे को कस कर पकड़
लिया। मैंने लंड को धीरे धीरे अन्दर बाहर करना शुरू किया और एक जोरदार धक्का
फिर दिया और शबनम के मुंह से चीख सी निकल गई। मैं अब तेजी से धक्के लगा रहा
था और शबनम भी चूतड़ उछाल उछाल कर मेरा साथ दे रही थी और उसके मुंह से लगातार
ओह...ओह.....आ अ अ अ..........इईईई ........ की आवाज़ें आ रही थी।

मैंने उसे करीब दस मिनट तक चोदा और फिर उसकी चूत में ही झड़ गया। उसकी चूत से
भी काफी पानी निकला। थोड़ी देर तक हम यूँ ही चूत में लंड डाल कर पड़े रहे। फिर
उठ कर हम साथ साथ बाथरूम गए। बाथरूम से आने के बाद हमने अपने कपड़े पहने और
फिर शबनम अपने घर चली गई और मैं अपने पहले सेक्स सम्बन्ध के बारे में सोच सोच
कर रोमांचित हो रहा था।
Story toh super fast nikli. Itni jaldi chudai bhi karwa di. Thoda seduce karwate thodi bahot masti karwate. Kuch apne aap se add karte. Khairrr agli story ka intezaar rahega.
 

Yug Purush

सादा जीवन, तुच्छ विचार
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Sexcapades with Sister-in-law by Captain Jack Sparrow

I always avoid reading stories based on sexual background .. because often half the time it is only about sex and other half is about sex related other things..

In the history of desi forums, There have been very few writers who have been able to take a story based on a sexual theme to such a height that it can compete with other genre's famous writers.. Unfortunately, This story is not one of those stories. more than that.. What is the rationale for that sex story when the readers cant even get an errection while reading it..??
.

An Errection-less as well as an emotionless story:sigh: jaha chudai se jyada chut kaa description hai... To an extent it sounds right, excites readers...no doubt about it.. but it was too much in your story, Vroo:redface: with couple of sex position of a porn movie.. Ending was also dull as the whole story...

The only creative part in your story was its title... Which I liked :thumpsup: and for valid entry in the USC......... 5/10
 
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Death Kiñg

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“Everything Is Binary” by harshit1890


A Creation which can be called synonymous to Perfection. Absolutely Amazing Story!

Well, the story is based on the genre Sci–Fi along with a mix of Fantasy in it. Apocalypse & AI along with the Time Loop, inn concepts par based Stories pehle bhi maine padhi hain but I have never read something like this on an adult forum. This kind of creation just forces the reader to read it again & again. Narration, Dialogues, the Detailing and of course the most important thing – the plot.. everything was just unbelievable.

Story ka main protagonist arthat Vikrant ek AI aur Computers field se taaluq rakhne waala banda hai. Starting from the start, the first Para itself showed up with the fact that this is a contest winning story. The detailings about what Vikrant was doing and his related skills was well narrated and that just Got stuck in my mind as a reader.

Time Travel was also involved in the mix but even after the writer introduced a lot of concepts regarding AI and all, story never felt like confusing. Yahaan tak ki jinko shayad iss field ki knowledge bhi naa ho unke liye bhi ye story ek badhiya experience ho sakti hai.

I felt like Vikrant was unable to break the loop even in the end and there were certain questions that remained unanswered but that's what a short story means. Haalanki wo sex scene jo Vikrant aur Pratiksha ke beech hua I didn't expected it to be in the story but again it would be eye catching for some readers..

Overall, a story with complete perfection having a lot of concepts like Time Travel & Paradox, AI, and of course Binary itself.. But the way you presented it made it a Contest winning story.. Don't know whether someone will be able to match this quality later on in the contest or not but till now this is the one..

(There were a little bit of mistakes in the spellings and a few grammatical errors, but except that everything was perfect in its place)..

Congratulations Brother for such a masterpiece and Best Of Luck for your 2nd Story (If you're going to write)..

...[9/10]...​
 
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Death Kiñg

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“SEXCAPADES WITH SISTER - IN - LAW (YOUNGER BROTHER'S WIFE)” by Captain Jack Sparrow


Well a Sex Based story revolving around an extra marital sexual affair that too an incestuous one. Affairs are not something that just develop like this, of course there is always a story behind there starting. Maybe dissatisfaction, ill – treatment or some other reasons too. It's very difficult to induce any eye catching concept in a sex – story and that's where I think this story lagged behind.

The story revolves around Rashmi & Jishu but somehow this story could have been a lot better. Maybe, you can't compare it with a Sci – Fi, Romatica or a Pure Thriller but when it comes to writing a good sex story, Seduction becomes vital. In my Opinion Seduction + Emotions, this combination is the backbone of a good Incest or Adultery Short Story. However, it's difficult to do that with the word limit, but that's the difference that makes you a good writer.

The story and the plot had a lot of scope for betterment, but somehow the writer was unable to do it. Well, overall a nice Erotica with certain flaws, had a little bit of errors too but of course a nice try mate and cheers to you for that.

At the end, Congratulations for a valid entry in the contest and I would definitely like to say that I felt Like you're capable of writing a better one. Without a doubt, you can do a lot more in such a story, hope you come up with something more exciting in your second story. Btw. The Title was a good one...

...[5/10]...​
 
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