★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2019 ~ Reviews Thread ★☆★

[mohit98075]

Ehsaas By - mohit98075

Mohit ki story

A quite beautiful story. You have written on more than one topic in the same story. Household misunderstanding, An Independency of a Woman, Child Abuse, Love between Husband and Wife, etc. I am glad that you tried to write on Child Abuse as awareness.

But, there are a few weak points. I mean a Woman like Anu, which was shown as a strong Independent Woman let go Amit even after what he was trying to abuse her daughter. That was bit not justifying. Anyways, might be she afraid of defame.

The second point, Story looks only female-centered. I mean you have tried to present that both couples were in Deep Love But never showed why Mohit didn't approach her after his Mother's death. Might be ego, but these parts of the story could be presented in a better way. You never showed the Mohit's side.

Still, it was such a lovely read.
Best of luck.

Sukiya Jo itne man se padha story aur topic bhi samjha kis besed par hai story
Jaha tak first point hai Anu ke storng Independent Woman ki baat jaruri nahi hai ki sabak sikhaya ...ek akeli aurat sab dekh ke rahti aaj ki duniya me kahi usne sabak ke chakkar me kuch aur Jaye kon janta hai...isliye aaj me Time me Kya hota vahi likha...
thoda aur lambi nahi kichna chahta tha story ko
Second point is story ko kewal Anu ke upper rakhna chahta tha isliye Mohit ke side ko na dikhaya ...
for beautiful review mahak darling

 

[mohit98075]

Ehsaas by Mohit98075
Mohito ye kya rayta failaya hai be
Narration aur language mast hai lekin story kaha hai isme halfway tak story thik hai uske Baad kuchh kiya nahi aise hi back to pavilion twist dala h ye tere se ossem story ki ummeed thi mujhe
Ek aur story likh
Saas-Bahu dekhna kab chhodega ye

Rayta samet ke khane ke liye Tere jese petu ke liye
Ab ke chaodam chudai karau story me tabhi story hogi Jo mil raha usme hi kaam chalao
Kyuki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi
Dusri story u ka hovat hai itna Post kar Diya vah hi bahut hai
for beautiful review ...

 

[mohit98075]

Review for: EHSAAS
लेखक: mohit98075

मोहित भाई, सबसे पहले तो बहुत बहुत शुक्रिया कि आपने इतनी बेहतरीन एवं दिल को छू जाने वाली कहानी को हम सबके सामने प्रस्तुत किया।

मोहित भाई, आपकी इस कहानी की जितनी भी तारीफ़ की जाए वो कम ही होगी। पारिवारिक रिश्तों के बीच की सच्चाई को बहुत ही बेहतरीन ढंग से इस कहानी के द्वारा बताया है आपने। इस कहानी ने हमारे वास्तविक जीवन की वास्तविकता का बड़ी ही खूबसूरती से बखान किया है। मोहित भाई, आपने इसमें भावनाओं और जज़्बातों को बहुत ही शानदार तरीके से दिखाया है। एक उच्च कोटि के सुलझे हुए लेखक की सबूत है ये रचना।

हम इंसानों की प्रकृति भी बड़ी अजीब होती है। कभी कभी ऐसा भी होता है कि हम जानते समझते सब होते हैं किन्तु इसके बावजूद अपने अंदर ऐसी धारणाएॅ अथवा ऐसी मानसिकता बना लेते हैं जो बाद में हमारे लिए दुखों का सबब बन जाती हैं। प्रेम को अभिब्यक्त करने के तरीके भी अलग अलग हैं। कुछ लोग खुल कर अपने प्रेम को अपने चाहने वाले से ब्यक्त कर देते हैं, इसे हम प्रेम का दिखावा भी कह सकते हैं। किन्तु कुछ लोग अपने प्रेम को दिल में ही छुपा कर रखते हैं, वो अपने उस प्रेम का दिखावा नहीं करते या फिर वो ठीक तरह से अपने उस प्रेम को ब्यक्त नहीं कर पाते। औरतों की प्रकृति यही है कि उसके सामने दिखावा करके प्रेम को ब्यक्त करना ज़रूरी है, वरना उसे यकीन ही नहीं हो पाता कि उसका चाहने वाला उससे प्यार करता है अथवा कितना प्यार करता है? किन्तु सबसे बड़ी बात तो ये है कि प्रेम एक एहसास है तो उसका बस एहसास कीजिए अथवा उसे महसूस कीजिए। ख़ैर,,,,

मोहित भाई, इस कहानी में रिश्तों के बीच का वर्णन तो सराहनीय था ही किन्तु मुझे सबसे बेहतरीन बात ये लगी कि आपने रिश्तों के बीच छुपी हुई भावनाओं का बहुत ही गहराई से वर्णन किया है। मेरी नज़र में ये कहानी एक बहुत ही खूबसूरत रचना है। नेहा के द्वारा ही सही किन्तु अनु को समझ आ ही गया कि वो जिस तरफ बढ़ गई थी वो रास्ता और साथ ही उसकी सोच निहायत ही ग़लत थी। अंत में यही कहूॅगा भाई कि बहुत बहुत शुक्रिया ऐसी बेहतरीन कहानी को हम सबके सामने प्रस्तुत करने के लिए।

!! धन्यवाद !!

Itti tarrif padh ke rona aa gaya Bhai
Bahut-2 danywaad aapko esa review Dene ke liye

 

[Hunterrrr69]

TITLE - THE LUNCH BOX STORY

Spoiler

LANGUAGE - HINGLISH


“sir ap jaldi se 8 lakh jama karwa de jis se ap ki Mom ka operation shuro kar de”


Nurse half ghante me teesri bar ye keh ker gayi per wo teeno kuch nahi kar pa rahe the



Apni sab savings aur rishte daro ki madad ke baad bhi sirf 3 lakh he tha in ke paas


Lekin operation shuro karne ke liya abhi bhi 5 lakh ki zarorat thi tabhi 2 ward boy aye aur un ki mama ko le ker Jane lage


“in ko ap kaha le ja rahe ho?”


Teeno bhai behno ko kuch samjh nahi aa rahi thi


Ward boy1: 30 minutes main in KA operation hai in ko operation theater le ja rahe hai


Salman(pehla beta): magar hum ne abhi fees jama nahi karwai operation kesay shuro ho sakta hai?



Wardboy2: in ki fees jama ho gayi hai


3no bhai Behan ek dusre KA muh dekhne lag gye tabhi Behan(Hareem) aage ayi


Hareem: Daikhiye in KA naam Raheela amjad hai in ki fees Abhi jama nahi huwi ap ko koi galti huwi hai



Wardboy1: daikhye in KA naam rahela amjad hai ye kal admit huwi hai...... 30 minute main in KA bypass KA operation hai..... Ab please side per ho jaye doctor sahib gussa kare gye


Phir ward boys in 3no ko side per ker ke Mrs.Raheela ke bed ko operation theater le Jane lage


Mrs.Raheela iss sab se bekhabar bed per behoosh thi


♠


“sister ap ke ward boys ko galti huwi hai hum ab tak apni mother ki fees jama nahi karwa sake hai........ To operation kesay ho sakta hai?”


Sharukh(teesra beta) ne us nurse se kaha jo in ko 3 bar fees KA keh gayi thi



Nurse: paper theek karte huwe) g in ki fees kuch dair pehle jama ho chuki hai....... Ap pareshan na ho


Salman: herani se) per kis ne karwai?


Nurse ne un ko ignore kia aur operation theater ki taraf Jane lagi lekin beech main Hareem aa gayi


Hareem: please bataye kis ne diye paise?



Nurse: daikhye hum sab ko sakhti se mana kia gaya hai....... Ab ap mera raasta chor de



Nurse ne Hareem ko side per kia aur aage barh gayi piche 3no bhai Behan ek dusre ko Daikhne lag gye


Lekin iss waqt ye janne se zada important in ki mother KA operation tha


Fees kis ne di ye to baad main bhi poch sakte the iss LIYE wo operation theater ke bahir khare ho gaye


2 ghante baad ek surgeon muh per mask charha ker bahir aya aur bola


Surgeon: ap ki mother KA operation successful raha aj un ko under observation rakha jaye ga kal un ko private ward main shift kar dia jaye ga


Ye keh ker surgeon aage barh gaya...... Sab ne shukar ada kia kitne din in ki maa ko hospital main rakha gaya inho ne apni puri koshis ker di fees jama karwane wale ka pata lagwane ki


Magar in ko Kuch pata na chala inho ne Mrs.Raheela ko bhi bata diya wo bhi heran thi


Itna bara ehsaan kon ker gaya? Aur saamne bhi nahi aya? Aakhir kon ho sakta hai?


Aj Mrs.Raheela ko discharge ker diya gaya salman hospital ke during jama karwane gaya to pata chala WO bhi pehle de diye gye hai jawab pehle wala


“nahi bata sakte kis ne kiye hai”


Iss ne ja ker Mrs.Raheela ko bataya to sab heran ho gye aakhir kon ker sakta hai



Lekin unho ne apna saman ikhata kia kiu ke unhe pata tha itne dino se pochne per nahi bataya to ab kia bataye gye


Unho ne ja ker saman car main rakha aur Mrs.Raheela ko hospital ke bahir laye Mrs.Raheela ne ek bar hospital ki taraf daikha


Tabhi un ki nazar hospital ke board per gayi jis ko daikh ker wo chonk gayi aur wanhi baith ker Rone lagi Aur apni purani yado main kho gayi




FLASHBACK



Mrs.raheela Amjad shuro se ek ache dil ki malik rahi un ka dil seeshe ki tarha saaf tha

In ke husband ki death ho gayi hai in ke 3 bache the 2 bare bete aur 1 choti beti


Miss raheela ki age iss waqt 38 ke kareeb thi wo ek bohat bare private school main job karti thi


In ki salary bhi achi thi aur in ke pas in ke husband ka banaya ghar tha


Mrs.raheela bohat dino se ek baat note ker rahi thi ke in ki class ka ek Larka (Arman zubair) kuch dino se lunch nahi ker raha tha to brake ke time Mrs.Raheela Arman ke paas gayi


Raheela: Arman ap lunch kiu nahi ker rahe?


Arman: madam mujhe bhook nahi hai


Mrs.raheela Arman ki baat per satisfy to nahi thi but unho ne aage kuch poucha nahi Aur aage chal pari


Mrs.Raheela ne 1 month tak Arman ko note kia aur us kai bar pocha bhi lekin har bar us ka ek he jawab hota


“Madam mujhe bhook nahi hai”


Mrs.Raheela ka us bache ko itni importance dene ki ek aur wajha thi ke us bache ne nursery se le ker ab tak top kia tha


Iss liye Mrs.Raheela ne Faisla kia ke aj wo brake ke waqt Arman se poch ker he rahe gi ke wo lunch kiu nahi karta?


Aur us ke parents ko bhi bula ker poche gi ke kia wo apne bache ko lunch de ker nahi bhejte?



Mrs.Raheela ko lag raha tha ke galti Maa baap ki hai wo apne bache ko lunch de ker he nahi bhejte..... Aur na he paise ke bacha canteen se he Kuch kha le



Ye sab baat Karne ke liye Mrs.Raheela ne brake ki bell ke baad Arman ko kaha


“Meri baat sun ker jana”


Puri class ke bahir Jane ke baad Arman Mrs.Raheela ke paas aa gya Mrs.Raheela ne ek bar Arman ko dhayan se daikha aur phir boli


Mrs.Raheela: Arman beta main ap ko 1.5 month se daikh rahi hu ap lunch nahi karte kiu?



Arman ne phir wohi jawab kaha jo wo 1.5 month se keh raha tha


“Wo madam mujhe bhook nahi hoti”


Mrs.Raheela: beta ye kaise ho sakta hai ap subha 7:00 baje nashta ker ke ate ho 12:30 tak yahan school main parhai kar ke bhi bhook nahi lage? Aur phir ap Academy bhi jaate ho jaha se ap 4:30 Ghar jate ho phir bhi ap ko bhook nahi lagti?.....Jao ja ker apna lunch box lao



Mrs.Raheela ne apna shak door Karne ke liye kaha.......unhe yaqeen tha ke Arman ke paas lunch nahi hai



Arman apni jagha se hila bhi nahi Mrs.Raheela ne kuch dair intezaar kia...... Phir ek thandi aah bhari aur Arman ko ek bar phir daikha


Mrs.Raheela: iss ka MATLAB mera shak sahi tha bulati hu tumhare parents ko itne la-parwah ke apne bache ko lunch de ker bhi nahi bhejte



Mrs.Raheela Arman ki parents ki la-parwahi ki wajha se bohat gussa ho gayi thi........Mrs.Raheela ki baat sun ker Arman ke pairo ke niche se zameen nikal gayi thi



Arman: pareshani se) madam mere paas lunch hai kasam se mere paas lunch hai



Arman jaise Rone lag gya tha aur bohat pareshan ho gya tha.....us ko itna pareshan daikh ker Mrs.Raheela bhi pareshan aur heran ho gayi


Mrs.Raheela: pyar se) acha dikhao Zara lunch box



Mrs.Raheela ke kehte he Arman bhag ker gaya aur apne bag main se lunch box nikal ker le aya


Mrs.Raheela ne lunch box khola to andar Paratha aur achar tha.........Mrs.Raheela ko samjh nahi aa rahi thi agar us ke paas lunch tha to wo karta kiu nahi tha



Mrs.Raheela: bohat pyar se) beta agar ap ke paas lunch hai to ap karte kiu nahi ho?........zada nahi to thora sa kha liya karo


Mrs.Raheela ne bohat pyar se Arman ko samjhaya


Arman: g madam main ab ker lia karo ga........bus ap mere Maa baba ko mat batana



Arman ab roansa sa ho gya tha........Mrs.Raheela ko laga koi baat zaroor hai iss liye unho ne dobara pocha,


Mrs.Raheela: acha beta nahi batao gi.......lekin ap Mujhe batao asal baat kia hai?......ap lunch karte kiu nahi ho?



Arman ne apna sir jhuka liya phir kuch dair ki khamoosi ke baad bola


Arman: madam wo sab larke mera mazak urate hai.......main sirf paratha aur Achar lata hu baki sab nuggets sandwich aur burger jaisi cheeze late hai.....iss liye nahi khata



Arman ne ab asal baat batai aur iss ke saath us ne apni aankho main aane wale ansoo saaf kiye



Mrs.Raheela ko Arman per bohat pyar aya un ka dil kia ke Wo Arman ko gale laga le.....phir wo Arman ke sir per haath pher ker pyar se boli



Mrs.Raheela: beta ap apni mama se kaho wo ap ko kuch aur bana ker diya kare


Mrs.Raheela ne bohat pyar se Arman ko suggestion diya


Arman: main ne 2 saal pehle kaha tha......mujhe nahi paratha le ker Jana sab mazak urate hai



Arman ne bohat masoomiyat se kaha


Mrs.Raheela: phir


Mrs.Raheela ko bhi ab interesting lag rahi thi baat iss LIYE wo aage pochna chahti thi



Arman ne ek nazar apni teacher ko daikha....... phir dobara sir jhuka liya



Arman: phir kuch dino baad meri api ne mujh se kaha......wo 11th class me jati hai jab 12th class clear ker le gi to wo colony ke bacho ko tuition parhaya kare gi..... phir jaisa lunch main kaho ga waisa API bana diya kare gi........ Per tab tak main Ami ko keh du bread kabab, nuggets, roll, khane se mera pait kharab hota hai........



Arman abhi baat ker he raha tha ke Mrs.Raheela ne us ki baat beech main kat ker pocha



Mrs.Raheela: per ap ki Behan ne aisa kia kaha.......


Arman: kiu ki jab se mama ne mujhe bread, nuggets wagaira lunch me dene shuro kiye tab se baba 2 ki bajaye raat ko 3 baje ghar aane lag gye...... madam mere baba ek Clark hai.....wo din main office jate hai aur raat ko taxi chalate hai...... Iss LIYE ke mujhe private school main parha sake aur fees ke saath book uniform aur Academy ke kharche utha sake...... Mere ek lunch ki wajha se wo 1 ghanta late aane lag gye........ Jab ke unhe subha 7:00 baje jagna parta tha office Jane ke liye...... Iss LIYE api ne kaha ke iss tarha baba ki tabiyat kharab ho jaye gi.... Iss LIYE main mama se keh du mujhe ye lunch na de..... Aur jab wo 12th clear ker Le gi to mere lunch ke liya paise bana liya kare gi...... To main ne mama se wohi KEH diya ..... Pehle bhi main he sirf private school se parha hu Aur Academy gaya hu meri behne to government school main parhti hai....... Mere lunch ke liya baba ko neend Ki qurbani deni per rahi thi jo Mujhe acha nahi lag raha tha..... To main ne mama se keh diya ke mujhe ye sab nahi khana


Arman ne aj apne andar ki sab baate bahir nikal di


Mrs.Raheela: to kia ab tak ap ki api ki 12th clear nahi huwi?


Mrs.Raheela ko Arman ki baato main interest barhta ja raha tha....wo aur janna chah rahi thi iss LIYE unho ne agla sawal kia


Arman: 12th to unho ne last year clear ker diya tha...... Aur pata hai unho ne pure board main top kia tha....... Iss ne baba se kaha ke iss ko canent college main admission karwa de jo bohat mehnga college hai........ Kuch fees wo scholar ship se de gi kuch wo tuition parha de gi baba per bojh nahi bane gi.....phir aakhir baba us ke bhi to baba hai na......aur iss ne kia bhi top tha to baba ne Api ka admission canent college main karwa diya....... Aur jab un ko pehli tuition fees mili to unho ne mujh se kaha........ Chalo Arman ab jo tum kaho gye wo hum le ker aye gye phir wohi tum lunch main le ker Jana ab mera bhai paratha achar nahi khaye ga api bohat khush lag rahi thi........ Lekin main ne unhe mana ker dia aur kaha api kasam se wo bazar ki cheezo se mera pait dard karta hai...... Waise bhi ab main bari class main aa gya hu ab mera koi mazak nahi urata ab main paratha kha ker ata hu........ Madam ap ko pata hai main ne aisa kiu kaha



Mrs.Raheela: dilchaspi se) kiu kaha



Arman: kiu ke ek din main ne Api ko choti api se kehte suna un ke college main bohat ameer larkiya parhti hai un ke paas bohat mehnagi cheeze hoti hai....... Api bhi tuition ke paiso se kuch le sakti thi waise bhi lunch itna zaroori to nahi tha to main ne Api ko bhi mana ker dia....... Waise bhi last year tak usman mera dost tha wo mere LIYE aksar lunch le ata tha........ Iss ki mama mere LIYE bohat maze ka lunch bana ker deti thi......iss ke baba ki posting dusri city ho gayi hai iss LIYE wo chala gya..... Phir mujhe naya dost mila he nahi...... Waise madam acha huwa wo chala gya......



Arman kuch udasi se bola...... Lekin Mrs.Raheela ko us ki akhri baat ki samjh nahi ayi ke dost ka Jana acha kiu huwa



Mrs.Raheela: acha kiu huwa.....AP ka dost ap ke saath rehta to zada acha nahi tha



Mrs.Raheela ne Detail me pocha......Arman ne ek thandi aah bhari aur bola



Arman: iss tarha se to bohat acha tha wo mera best friend tha...... Lekin jab bhi wo mere LIYE lunch lata tab bhi kuch larke tang karte the....... Ohhh aj phir usman Arman ke liya lunch laya hai....... Khao khao..... Maa baap gareeb hai to kia huwa dost to ameer hai...... Mera dil dukhta tha bohat bar main khana chor deta tha...... Lekin usman ke kehne per phir kha leta........ Madam mere mama baba gareeb nahi hai bus un ke paas paise thore kam hai..... Mere baba kehte hai ek din mere Arman doctor bane ga aur mujhe yaqeen hai main un ka khawaab pura karo ga.... Is LIYE mera dil karta tha usman kahi chala jaye phir koi mere mama baba ko gareeb nahi bole ga.......


Wo Larka apne har rishte ko le ker itna hassas tha itni Ahmiyat thi us ko Rishto ki ye daikh ker Mrs.Raheela ki Ankho main bhi ansoo aa gye



Mrs.Raheela: lekin beta ap lunch to karte nahi ap ki api ya mama ap ka lunch box check nahi karti?...... Aur pochti nahi ke lunch kiu nahi kia?



Arman: muskara ker) madam main apni van main lunch ker leta hu..... Iss van main sab paratha he le ker jate hai iss LIYE koi mera mazak nahi urata iss tarha Ami ko pata bhi nahi chalta ke main ne school main lunch nahi kia.....


Arman ne fakhar se kaha Mrs.Raheela ko Arman ki iss ada per bohat pyar aya...... Saath he break khatam hone ki bell baj gayi



Mrs.Raheela: chalo baki baate phir kabhi ker le gye


Arman bhi wapis ja ker apni chair per baith gaya....... Baki din normal guzra


Mrs.Raheela Arman ki soch se bohat attract huwi wo iss ke liya kuch karna chahti thi


Mrs.Raheela apne ghar aa gyi lekin Arman ki baate in ke dil se nikal he nahi rahi thi wo iss ke liya kuch karna chahti thi


Mrs.Raheela: in her mind) agar main Arman ke liya lunch bana diya karo..... Magar iss se to usman ka lunch nahi nahi ye theek nahi hoga



Wo bohat se kayal apne man main LA rahi thi phir un ke dimagh main ek idea aya


NEXT DAY


Brake se kuch dair pehle gate keeper ne class ke door per knock kia


Gate keeper: Arman zubair ke liya lunch aya hai


Arman herani se apni bench se utha aur ja ker lunch box le liya lunch bohat maze ka tha Arman pura kha gya


Phir ye roz ki baat ho gayi roz brake se pehle gate keeper Arman ko lunch de jata



Arman pura lunch kha leta yahan tak Arman ne 12th ke bhi paper de diye...... Is ne apni Behan Ki tarha board me top kia


12th tak wo lunch box Ata raha wo band nahi huwa Mrs.Raheela retire ho gayi


Mrs.Raheela andar he andar sochti ke kabhi Arman ne gate keeper se pocha kiu nahi wo lunch kis ne diya....... Jab ke Mrs.Raheela ka khayal tha Arman usi din ja ker ghar poche ga lunch kis ne bheja jab us ko pata chale ga ghar se KISI ne lunch nahi bheja to wo agle din Gate keeper se pocha ga nahi to lunch he nahi le ga....... Mrs.Raheela ne socha tha jab aisa hoga tab daikha jaye ga




Lekin Arman ne aisa Kuch nahi kia iss se ulta wo lunch ker ke chuti time lunch box gate keeper ko de jata



Mrs.Raheela sochti thi ke wo kia sochta hoga ke ye lunch kon de ker jata hai?.......



Magar ab WO ye kis se pochti ye sab...... 12th clear Karne ke baad USS ka medical college main Admission ho gya hai ye WO he sab ko bata ker gaya phir wo kabhi school nahi aya Mrs.Raheela Arman ko yad karti aur bus Us ke liya dua kar deti




PRESENT




Aj Mrs.Raheela ki Rone ki wajha ye thi kiu ke board per likha huwa tha (HEART SPECIALIST ARMAN ZUBAIR) Ye parhte he Mrs.Raheela ke saamne itne saalo ki baate aa gayi


Hareem: kia huwa mama?


Mrs.Raheela: mujhe doctor Arman se milna hai


Hareem: kiu?


Mrs.Raheela: gusse se) jo kaha hai wo karo



Phir 3no Mrs.Raheela ko andar le ker gye aur reception per ja ker doctor Arman KA pocha


Receptionist: muskara ker) wait a moment sir


3no ko receptionist ki muskrahat ki wajha samjh nahi ayi


Receptionist ne Doctor Arman se phone per baat ki Doctor Arman ne unhe kamre main baithne ko kaha


Nurse unhe doctor Arman ke cabin main le gayi wo 4ro wahan baith gaye


5 minute baad Doctor Arman kamre main aya ek Handsome sa doctor the doctor Arman


Arman aage aya aur Mrs.Raheela ke pairo main baith gaye ye daikh ker un ke 3no bache heran ho gaye


Mrs.Raheela ne Doctor Arman ke sir per haath rakha


Mrs.Raheela: ye mera student tha....... Lekin beta mujh per itna bar ehsaan kiu?


3no Behan Bhai ab bhi heran thi


Arman: muskara ker) pehle to ap ne mera introduction adhoora karwaya hai....... Main in ki class KA student nahi main in ki class KA wo student hu jin ko ye class 12th tak lunch bana ker deti rahi hai



Mrs.Raheela Arman ki iss baat se chonk gayi iss KA MATLAB wo janta tha


Mrs.Raheela: per tumhe kaise pata?



Arman: madam class two me main ne lunch karna chora tha us ke baad ap ki class tak kisi teacher ne nahi pocha ke AP lunch kiu nahi karte........ Us din ap ne pocha agle din lunch aa gya madam baat ye hai hum kis class Ki family se belong karte hai hamari class ke bacho ko halat bohat jald samjh aa jate hai........ Main bhi samjh gaya tha pehle din lunch aya to bohat bhook lagi thi iss LIYE Aram se kha gaya phir ghar ja ker puri raat socha ap ko kaise roku....... Phir socha bara ho ker sab paise wapis ker du ga jo ap ne lunch per lagaye....... Pata hai madam 1st day se le ker last day tak ke lunch ka hisaab aj bhi mere paas hai...... Aur wo paise the 62 thousand 4 hundred and 75 rupees


Arman paise bata ker ek bar muskaraya aur phir bola


Arman: jab bhi ap lunch deti to us din bakery se ja ker us khane ke paise poch ker ghar jaye ker dairy main date ke saath note ker leta...... Lekin jaise jaise waqt guzra samjh aa gayi puri duniya ki dolat bhi LA ker ap ko de di to lunch ke paise nahi chuka pao ga......... Kiu ki us lunch ki keemat 62 thousand 4 hundred 75 rupees nahi the us ki keemat wo mohabat thi jis se ap khana banati thi jis ki keemat puri duniya ki dolat se zada thi........ Bus iss ke baad main ne us lunch ki keemat dene ka sochna band ker dia...... Bus dua karta tha kabhi mujh ko aisa moka mile ke main ap ki madad ker saku.......... Us din ap ko daikha to foran pehchaan liya nurse ne bataya ke AP ki fees jama nahi huwi to mujhe laga mujhe wo moka mil gaya hai...... Aur jaha tak baat hai saamne na aane ki to ap ne bhi to gatekeeper ko mana kia tha ap ka naam na batane ke liye



Ye keh ker Arman ne ek baar Mrs.Raheela ki taraf daikha aur phir apna sir un ki goad main rakh liya


Mrs.Raheela ki Ankho main ansoo aa gye unho ne Arman ko apne gale se laga liya


Arman bhi ab bohat sakoon mehsoos ker raha tha



Hareem: muskara ker) acha to ap hai wo jin ke liye mama lunch le ker jati thi main bhi Socho mama itna kab se khane lagi


Hareem ki iss baat pee sab hans diye Aur Arman ne ek aisi baat kahi ke sab ka muh khula ka khula reh gaya


Arman: Hareem will you marry me


Arman ki iss baat per sab herani se Arman ko Daikhne lag gye


Arman: Aise kia daikh rahe hai sab kabhi to main ne shadi karni hai aur mujhe Hareem pasand bhi hai aur jahan tak mujhe pata hai Hareem ki shadi bhi nahi huwi aur iss tarha mujhe saas ke roop main ek maa mil jaye gi to kia main apne parents ko bhejo ap ke Ghar


Mrs.Raheela ne kuch pal socha phir Arman ke sir per haath pher kar han main sir hila diya


Hareem sharma ker bahir chali gayi aur mahool bohat acha ho gya


Phir 1 month baad engagement ho gayi aur 2 month baad shadi




♠ THE END ♠



YE EK NON-EROTIC STORY HAI YE STORY KE SAATH SAATH EK LESSON BHI HAI JO HUM SAB KO SHIKATA HAI (KAR BHALA SOO HO BHALA) HUM KISI KE SAATH ACHA KARE TO HAMARE SAATH BHI ACHA HOGA WAQT ZAROOR LAGE GA PER HOGA ACHA HE



Aansu Baha Baha Ke Bhi Hote Nahi kam Sahab,

Kitni Amer Hoti Hai Aankhe Gareeb ki


Hum ko apne bacho ko sikhana chahiye kisi ka bhi mazak na banaye ulta un ki aisi madad kare ke ek haath se kam kia to dusre ko pata bhi na chale


Bacho ko kia sikhana aj kal to bare bhi yehi karte hai to ye ek lesson hai puri duniya ke liye Ap ke pyare Dost Ahmad ki taraf se



SHUKRIYA

Behtreen story I have no words

 

[Hunterrrr69]

Spoiler: Ek ahsash jo jindgi badal de...

chal rahi hein hamari sansein uski muskurahat ke liye,
vrana niyota to yamraaj ne bohot din pahle bheja tha,
''pyar'' ye ek sabd hai to bohot chhota par jo iska matlb samajh jaye vo insan vohot bada ho jata hai....
lekin baat yahi hai ki iska matlb har koi nhi samajh sakta...kyonki jis insan ko ''pyar '' bachpan se hi mila hota hai vo iski ahmiyat nhi samajh pata or jis insan ko ''pyar'' nhi mila vo bhi iska sahi matlab nhi samajh sakta...shayad bohot sare log meri is baat se ittfak na rakhte hon....or rakhein bhi kyon sabhi ki apni apni soch hai ....chalo bhailog ab story par aate hein....
ye 11 class ka pahla din tha jaisa ki sabhi schools mai hota hai class mai kuchh naye bachhon ka admission bhi hua hota hai yahan bhi kuchh aisa hi tha...class mai bohot sare ladke ladkiyon ka admission bhi hua hota hai...
class mai teacher aaye or aaj class ki sari benches bhari hui thi sirf ek ko chhodkar ...
aisa isliye kyonki teachers ka manna tha ki vishal jiske bhi pass baithega vo use padne nhi dega....halanki aisa nhi tha ki vishal pafne mai hoshiyar na ho vo hamesha class ke top 3 mai rhta tha....lekin vo thoda khurapati tha...
class chalu hui...teacher padane lage....
teacher...what is accounts??? teacher ne students se question puchha...
vishal....accounts is a subject
uska ye answer sun ke puri class mai thahake guzne lage lekin tabhi ek ladki class mai aayi lekin teacher ne late hone ki bajah se use class mai allow nhi kiya...
fir teacher ne puri class se accounts ki complete definition puchhi lekin koi nhi bata paya....
to tabhi bo gate par khadi ladki ne bohot ho speed mai answer diya jisko sunke teacher bhi uski tareef karne laga....or usse uska naam puchha to
ladki...mera naam GUNGUN HAI...
ab class mai seet to ek hi khali thi to vo vishal ke pass jakar baith gyi...
aaj bohot din baad koi vishal ke pass baitha tha....lekin uski awaz or vo khud itni pyari thi ki vishl bas use dekhta aut sunta rhta tha usse kuchh nhi kahta tha....
jab vo usse puchhti aise kyon dekh rha hai to vo jhenp jata ....
aise hi din bitne lage dono ek dusre ke bare janne lage ab dono dost ban gye the ...class mai besak seat khali hon par Gungun ab usi ke pass akar baith ti thi...
वो कब आम से खास हुए और कब खास से जीने की आश हुए ,,,
हमें पता ही नहीं चला हम कब बीमार और कब लाश हुए ।।।।

jab ek ladka or ladki dost bante hein to unme se jyadar ek ko pyar ho jata hai jabki dusra us riste ko sirf dosti ki tarah leta hai yahan bhi kuchh aisa hi hua...
khair waqt beet gya or class 11 khatam hone ko aayi exam bhi hue result wala din bhi aa gya...
exams mai Gungun ne school or class mai top kiya to wahi vishal bhi kuchh kam nhi tha uski bhi class mai 3 rd position aayi...
school mai result declaration ke baad se hi dono ek dusre ko sabse pahle milna chahte the..
lekin ham jaisa sochte hein vaisa hota kahan...udhar bhi aisa hi hua....jab vishal gunu se milne gya to pahle vo teacher's ke sath busy thi baad mai use uski friends ne ghere rakha...
tabhi atul vishal ke pass aagya...
atul...sale kuchh na pada kuchh na pada kr ke top kar diya...party kab de rha hai bsdk...
vishal...jab papa bol dega tab
itne mein or bhi dost aa jate hein or vishal ki is baat par hasne lagte hein.....or vo bhi party mangne lagte hein...
vishal...puri saal mehnat maine ki to party mujhe milni chahiye ....
aise hi nom jhok chalti rhi or fir vo sabhi chale gye fir vishal ki hi class ki ek ladki aa kar vishal se baat karne lagti hai...
or tyming to dekhiye tabhi gungun ki nazar vishal par pad jati hai...
vishal ko kisi ladki ke sath dekhkar pta nhi kyon gungun ko kuchh achha nhi lagta or vo wahan se chali jati hai....
school ki chhuti ho gyi or sabhi apni apni bus mein pahunch gye....
(ek baat jo mai batana bhul gya vo ye hai ki dono ek hi route se aate hein lekin alag alag bus or dono ke gahr mein bhi koi bus 5-6 km ka antar hai)
ye baat yahan isliye batai gui hai kyonki aaj gungun vishal ki bus mein jaa rhi thi....
aur is se bhi badi baat ye hui ki ladka( vishal) hamesha bus mai udham aut sarartein kartr jata tha vo aaj bilkul sant baitha tha jiske pechhe wajah ye thi ki gungun aaj uski seat par uske sath baithi thi....
bus school se nikali or bachhon ki baton ke sath sath vishal or gungun ki bhi batein shuru hui....
vishal...congrats gunu...
gungun....achha ji ....to ab time mila hai tumhe...
vishal...mene to tera bohot wait kiya lekin tu free hi kahan thi...jab dekho tab koi na koi laga hi hua tha....
gungun...oh aisa kya tu bhi to busy tha SAPNA(jiske sath vishal ko batein karte dekha tha gunu ne) ke sath...
vishal____________(silent)
gungun....pta nhi yaar par kyon tujhe uske sath dekh ke mere ko achha nhi laga....
vishal...(man mein) han jaise mujhe maja aata ho tumhe or ladkon ke sath dekhkar...
vishal...mtlb....
gunu.....pta nhi yaar bas achha nhi lagta...
kuchh der ke liye dono mai koi baat nhi hui...
fir achanak gungun ko pta nhi kya sujha ki usne vishal ka hath pakad liya....
vishal ki feeling us din esi thi ki shyd wo khud kisi ko bata nahi pa rha tha.... or bas fr gunu ki trf dekhe hi jaa rha tha...... poore raaste me uska haath gunu k hath me thaaa or sivaay uske wo ksi or ko nahi dekh rha tha...fr dekhte hi dekhte gunu ka stop aa gya or fr use jana pda lkin us din vishal k chre pe ek ajib si khushi thi..
ab aaj jab vishal ghr phucha to bhut khus thaa... lkin wo ek sach se anjaan tha jo shhd use bhut dukh dene wala tha.... chlo uski aage bt krnege...

fr wo agle din jb schl gaye to fr se hth pkd kr aithe the aur rojana aese hi baithhte the....
fr whi huaa jiska dr thaa...
vishal ki feelngs uske le badh gai or use gunu se pyr ho gaya or usne ab apne pyar ka izhaar krne ka soch lia thaaa.....
ek din dono baat kar rhe the ki dono hi ek baat kahte hein ki ''mujhe tumhe kuchh batana''...
fir dono hi chup ho jate vishal kuchh bolne wala hota hai ki gungun bhi kuchh bolne ko hoti hai...
vishal...aisa kro pahle tu bata.....
[on the basis or movies and serials vishal soch rha tha aisa tab hi hota hai jab dono ek dusre ko izhar karne wale hote hein...ye sochkar vo man hi man bohot khush hota hai....]
gunu...vishal mujhe pyaar ho gya hai....
ye baat sunkar vishal ki khushi ka thikana nhi rhta usne jo socha tha use ab yakeen bhi ho gya tha ki gungun bji usse pyar karne lagi...
gunu...tumhe pata hai mai ye baat tumhe sabse pahle bata rhi hun...mujhe veer se pyar ho gya hai... i am in love with him...


jaise hi gungun ne kisi or ladke ka naam liya to vishal ke sir pe jaise pahad hi tut gya...

akhir tute bhi kyon na jab aap kisi se pyar karte hon vahi insan aap se kahe ki mujhe kisi or se pyar ho gya hai to jara sochiye aap par ky bitegi vahi thi vahi vishal par beet rhi thi...


usko jo khushi thi vo ab gam mai badal chuki thi...

gunu...kya hua kahan gya or ye kesi ajeeb si sakal bana rha he.....khush nhi he kya tu
vishal(man me)
वो हारकर किसी गैर को अपना दिल हमसे ही हमारे दिल का हाल पूछने आए हैं,,,
ये तो वही बात हुई जनाब कत्ल को अंजाम देकर ज़नाजे में मौत की वजह पूछने आए हैं।।।

vishal--- are nhi yaar mai to bohot khush hu ki akhir tujhe tera pyar mil gya.....
ye baat kah ke vo sant ho gya uska dil jor jor se ro rha tha ankhein bhi rona chahti thi lekin uske chahre par ek udaseen muskan thi...
gunu... ooo pagal kaha kho gya achha tu bta tujhe kya batana.....
vishal--- mu....mujhe kya batana tha.....
gunu--- (uske kandhe par thappad marte hue) bola to tha yaar.....
vishal---yaar teri baat sun ke itni khushi hui ke mai bhul gya kya bolna tha....vese koi imp baat nahi thi....
or isi dauran gunu ka stop aa gya or vo vishal ko bye bolkar chali gyi.....
ab bus almost khali thi bs 4-5 hi log the uske jaane ke baad vishal sabse last bali seat pe chala gya or apne aap ko akela pakar uski ankho se anshu chalak pade aur ab uske dil mai jo dard tha vo bahar aa rha tha...vi itna roya ki use pta hi nhi chala ki uska stop gya lagatar bajti horn ki awaz se usko thoda hosh aaya or vi bina kisi or ki taraf dekhe bus se bahar chala gya....
ghar pe jake bhi usne kuchh nhi khaya or sidha jake ped pe pad gya or rota rha jab uski ankh agli baar khuli to raat ho chuki thi....
sabhi usse tarah tarah ke sawal puchh rahe the lekin uska dhyan nhi tha vo bilkul tut chuka tha ek pal mai ek aise ladke ke chahre se muskan gayab hi gyi jiska lahza hi mazakiya kism ka tha.....
jaha vo pahle hasta hua schl jata tha ab uske chahre pe udasi rahti thi par kahte hein na ki pyar badi kutti chiz he.....jese hi gunu bus mai aati thi uske udas chahre pe phir bhi use dekhkar muskan aa jati thi.....
हम जिस दिन हाल अपने दिल का उनके दिल को बताते,,,
वो किसी गैर की हो गई मेरे साथ मुस्कुराते मुस्कुराते ।।
khair iske baad bhi vo gunu se ektarfa pyar karta rha or hamesha har muskil mai uske sath rahta usko jab jarurat hoti vo uski help karta ye baat baad mai gunu ko bhi pta chal gyi ki vishal usse pyar karta he....usne vishal ko kaha bhi ki vo usse pyar nhi kar skti vo kisi or se pyar karti he.....
vishal ne iska koi jawab nahi diya or sochta rha ki vo gunj ko itna pyar dega ki ekna ek din vo uske pyar ko samjhegi... .
"kitna mushil hota hoga us insan se pyar karna jab pta ho ki usse hame hamdardi tak vapas nahi milegi"
fir vishal or gunu ke bich galatfahmiyo ka daur chala or dono mai baat chit pahle kam hui phir bohot kam hui or 12 ke boards ke baad to halat bad se badtar ho gye.....
lekin kuchh hai jo ab bhi nhi badla he vo hau vishal ka gunu ke liye pyar uske liye feelings uske liye jo dil mai special jagah thi ohhh sorry sorry vishal bhai maaf karna dil mai jagah nhi pura ka pura dil hi gunu ka he......
to be continued forever.........

Kuch kahania adhuri rahne ke liye hi bnti hai fabulous story

 

[Suryaa]

Hello buddies
ek nae kahani entry thread mai post ki hai
jeska
Tilte hai- MAA-BAAP
aap sabhi read karna
aur kesi hai jarur batana
aur ha
jo que. us kahani mai meni puchi hai
unkw upar apna point of view jarur batana

 

[TheBlackBlood]

Review for:

शीर्षक : मोक्ष (प्यार, नफरत और डर)
लेखक: kamdev99008
भाषा : हिन्दी

वर्गीकरण : प्रणय (निष्काम)

कामदेव भाई, सबसे पहले तो बहुत बहुत शुक्रिया कि आपने इतनी बेहतरीन कहानी को हम सबके सामने प्रस्तुत किया।

कामदेव भाई, आपकी ये कहानी बहुत ही खूबसूरत है और बहुत ही खूबसूरती से लिखा भी है आपने। यूॅ तो कहानी का प्लाट साधारण ही है किन्तु पारिवारिक रिश्तों के बीच की हर वास्तविकता का बहुत ही शानदार तरीके वर्णन किया है आपने। इसके अंदर हर तरह की भावनाओं का उचित रूप से समावेश किया है आपने जो कि बेहद सराहनीय है। ऐसा वही कर सकता है जो बहुत ही सुलझा हुआ हो और जिसे हर तरह की भावनाओं की अच्छी समझ हो। यकीनन आप एक बहतरीन लेखक हैं भाई, मुझे आपकी ये कहानी बहुत ज़्यादा पसंद आई।

इस कहानी में रवि के संपूर्ण जीवन चरित्र को तथा उसकी मोक्ष प्राप्ति तक के सफ़र को बहुत ही बेहतरीन ढंग से दिखाया है आपने। रवि का अपनी माॅ के प्यार के लिए जीवन भर तरसना और साथ ही राधा मौसी से उसका सच्चा प्रेम इन दोनो ही चीज़ों को आपने बहुत ही मार्मिक ढंग से दिखाया है आपने जिसने हृदय के तारों को झंकृत कर दिया।

शार्ट कहानी होने के बावजूद आपने इसे बहुत ही खूबसूरती से लिखा है। इसके संवाद बहुत ही अच्छे थे और साथ में परिस्थितियों के अनुसार भावनाओं की अभिब्यक्ति बेहद सराहनीय है। मेरी नज़र में आपकी ये कहानी हर मायनों में बेहतरीन है।

अंत में एक बार फिर से यही कहूॅगा कामदेव भाई कि बहुत बहुत शुक्रिया जो आपने इतनी खूबसूरत कहानी को हम सबके सामने प्रस्तुत किया।

!! धन्यवाद !!

 

[Vijay2309]

GOLDEN EAGLE

Spoiler

Note : This is just one of my creation.
This story is supposed to be in Hinglish but for the contest and on request I'm posting this in English as a short story. It's just one of the story's arc in a nutshell. Hope you'll like it. Enjoy!!


Year 2060...

It was a nice bright sunny day. Time of the spring, mild scent of flowers in the air making it more and more refreshing. Nice isn't it!?
Our world has come so far in science and technology. Gadgets we never imagined are now a part of our daily life.

One can brush their teeths with a gadget, another gadget to wash your face, another to do your shaving, there are tons of gadgets we humans have designed that are now being used like a toy. Well that's cool right? We prohibited the fuels and are now relying on E- transports. We've planted more and more trees to make sure our planet keeps on revolving and life goes on....because life is important. Bitch!

Over-all everything was going fine. Only difference was that modernisation took over the world.

But there was something unusual too. Yes!! Guess what!?
During the urbanisation, bio medical fields gained so much profit and fame by discovering new medicines which were not normal by any means.

A scientist named Dr.X was suspected, who created 10 Pills called as 'pills of evolution'.
Also, who the fuck named him 'Dr.X'??
Well! Media was responsible...lol.
Anyways...
According to rumours, those pills were specifically designed to make a human evolve.

But they were too dangerous to be tested on. After all what if someone took the pill and then died? Who's going to be responsible? It was a total riot, people started quarreling that the pills must be tested on while there were some who were against this.

Well!! After a lot of debate, it was decided the pills must not be used.
But we are humans... When curiosity kicks in, we see no other thing.
Possessed by the craziness, Dr.X and his team members flew from America and came to China. They established their hideout in China.

After few days, random orphan kids were found missing. Dr.X and his team members wanted to try the pills anyhow. Each pill had a different color. One was red, other was green... In total there were 10 pills with 10 different colors.

Dr.X and his team took some random orphans to test out their pills.
10 orphans were enslaved and were treated like animals.

Dr.X gave all the necessary supplies to the kids before testing the pill.
They hired harrasers to beat the kids so that kids would be able to endure pain. Each day they used to beat every kid to the death and right after they used to give first aid treatment.

"Aaaaaaarrrrrrghhhhhhhh" cries of agony and pain could be heard from the cell rooms. A 4 walled cell room with one door and one ventilation was designed to keep the kids in custody.

They were treated like animals.
Dr.X wanted to make sure each kid should be well prepared to face the pill's effects. They used to treat the kids with mental pressure and breakdown, making them invulnerable for the upcoming effects of the pill.

Dr.X designed 10 pills and each one has it's own speciality. Dr.X wanted to make only a single pill which was supposed to be the mixture of all other 10 pills but he was unable to achieve that because of the short supply of resources and knowledge. He was only able to make 10 pills with their own speciality.

First pill was- "pill of mind"
This pill had a red colour.
It was designed to affect the mind and making it more sharper, one could achieve IQ of more than 150 easily. This pill could make people go beyond genius level.

Second pill was- "pill of scent"
This pill had a pink colour.
It was designed to affect the nose and making it more sharper, one could easily smell everything around the radius of 10 metres and can even control their sense of smell.

Third pill was - "pill of vision"
This pill had a golden colour.
It was designed to affect the eyes and making them see things what a normal human couldn't see. X ray vision, far sight vision, and many more after effects.

Fourth pill was - "pill of endurance"
This pill had a green colour.
It was designed to make human body as strong as possible. If someone hits a rod on your face, then the rod will be the one to break. Yes! That powerful.
Even falling from a 4th or 5th floor will be a child's play.

Fifth pill was - "pill of beauty"
This pill had a orange colour.
It can make you as beautiful as you want. Not only that but you can even face shift your facial features and can turn into any face you want.

Sixth pill was - "pill of life"
A white coloured pill, designed to increase your life span by 40 - 50 years with no health problems at all.

Seventh pill was - "pill of libido"
A black coloured pill to increase your sex power making you a monster to satisfy more than 10 ladies at once. Increases sperm production and your tool will remain healthy for the rest of your life without any side effects. You can have sex even at your old age.

Eighth pill was - "pill of voice"
A blue coloured pill produced to alter your voice to any other voice, can even produce sound waves that are not audible to humans.

Ninth pill was - "pill of audio"
A yellow coloured pill which can make your hearing sense much sharper than a dog's. You can hear everything within the range of 10-15 metres. Even the sounds that are not detectable by humans.

Tenth and the last pill was - "pill of ???"

Dr.X did created 10 pills but he didn't told anyone about the tenth pill and he didn't even wanted to test that pill. What was that pill!? Why doctor didn't told anyone about it!? Nobody knows about that.

Everyday they used to beat the kids.
This torture continued for several days.
And one day doctor finally told everyone to start the Operation known as
"operation X".

Finally, the first kid was brought and doctor injected a syringe first...

Dr.X - so red bull? Are you ready??

Dr.X named each kid after the animal's names. Since the first boy was about to consume the red pill. Dr. named him Red bull.

Then made him swallow the first pill - "the pill of mind".
Few minutes later the boy started screaming loudly while holding his head within his both hands trying every possible way to suppress the pain.
But to no avail ... He died.

Dr. was disappointed. The boy just lost his life in vain. Even the pill was wasted. Dr. knew that there is a high possibility of each kid dying.
But still he wanted to test the pills and that's why he chose orphans for the operation. Their body tissues were new and could adapt with the pills but was very risky.

Dr. knew he would fail many times but he can succeed too.
After the boy's death. His body was disposed off.
"Terror", only this word can describe what was happening right now inside the hideout.

Kids were terrified by just the thought that whose going to be the next person!?

Later on the second day, dr. failed again. One more death!!!

He lost the second pill - "pill of scent too"

Disappointment was the only thing dr. was feeling right now.
Those pills were his hardwork of lifetime and was wasted Just like that.
He felt like crying.

Few days later they tried again and by continuing this they lost 8 pills out of the 10 pills already.

"Destruction", that was the only word which could describe how dr. was feeling right now. He was heartbroken.
But it suits him right, isn't it?
He did took life of the innocents.
That's karma for you bitch!! Hahaha ...

Only the tenth unknown pill and the third pill were left.
Loss! Utter loss! Dr. knew he was doomed. All his money, hardwork, labour, resources, time were gone...
Just like that??
Yeah bitch! Just like that...
Serves him right...lol.
Finally, dr. brought the last child.
Every child they brought were atleast 18 years of age. But this one was much lesser.

Dr.x had a tingling feeling that he might get another loss this time too.

The boy looked rather cute with his long black hairs, slender figure but had strong bones. Beautiful eyes with long eyelashes, bushy eyebrows, thin lips. But even though he was good looking, the scratches and wounds given by torture were not at all pleasing to the eyes.

His body was covered in scratches and bruises. It was like he took a fall into a bush full of thorns.

Dr.X : so, golden eagle!? Are you ready.

He was about to consume the pill of vision which was golden in colour so dr. named him eagle. And with the pill colour added into the name, he was now called as golden eagle.

Dr.X spoke without any interest as if he already knew the outcome.

The boy on the other hand was just looking at Dr. angrily. Boy knew he was about to die just like the other kids. And it all happened because of this motherfucking doctor.
How can he remain calm?

Dr.X tied him on the chair and injected a syringe.
Few minutes later golden eagle started screaming loudly and then collapsed.

Dr.X breathed a sigh of disappointment.
The outcome was same. Dr. turned around and was about to go when he heard his colleague's voice.

Jonathan was his name. He was an Indian guy. He came to America and altered his name from 'jagneet' to 'jonathan'. He was the most trusted man of Dr.X and used to help him in producing new medicines. He was like a helping hand of Dr.X.

"What happened Jonathan!?"
Dr.X asked while turning around.

Jonathan (happily...) : look doctor! I just checked the boy's pulse and he's fine. He's not dead yet.

Dr.X : for real!?

Jonathan : you can check it too.

Dr.X ran towards the boy and checked his pulse and soon he was delighted. Filled with joy he hugged Jonathan who was standing beside him.

The kid was unconscious.
He fainted because of extreme pain.
Most of the pain was suppressed by his willpower alone. The kid was a strong kid.

"Golden eagle" that's what they named him. Surely, the name suited his work.

Pill of vision was the only one to not actually get wasted. The pill soon started taking effects, while the boy was unconscious.

When he woke up, he was in a bed inside a room.

"Where am I!?" The kid wondered.

Curiously, he tried to get up and was hit by a sudden jolt of headache.
"Arrrgghhhhhh" the kid groaned.

suddenly he opened his eyes and was taken aback by the surprise. He was able to see beneath the walls.

The fuck!? What was that? A movie scene or what? Is this for real?
He wondered!!

It was like he was granted an X-ray vision pair of eyes. His vision allowed him to penetrate through walls and see the other side clearly.
Damn boy!! That's one of the coolest ability one would wish for...

That was no joke. All reality.
Golden eagle couldn't believe what just happened. He was alive and even got an impossible ability. Just how lucky he was???

Damn luck!! This is how you get bestowed by God after he took everything from you.

Golden eagle did went through a lot of hardships though. It wasn't easy at all. Days and nights of physical and mental torture did helped him to bear the pain.

Operation-X was successful. And the successor was none other than golden eagle. Dr.X and his team soon came to golden eagle and asked him how he was feeling and whether he gained any ability or not?

Eagle knew if he told them about the ability they won't leave him. He was no fool. To get out of here, the only option was to tell lie.

Golden eagle : everything is normal, only my head is aching...

Dr.X : bullshit!! You better tell the truth kid. Something must have triggered and you might have got an ability to penetrate the walls or anything with your vision. Tell me now... Don't you dare lie.

Dr.X was smart. He knew if the kid isn't dead then he must have gotten the ability, he's just telling a lie to them. How can he not be furious!?

Golden eagle : I'm telling the truth. Only my head aches, everything else is just like before.

Dr.X : fine kid. You messing with me? I'll mess with you now... Be ready for the ultimate surprise.

Soon, golden eagle was tied on a chair and they put a band over his eyes.
Then, Dr.X came with a sharp device in which a sharp needle was attached and it was rotating at high speed.
It was like a tattoo machine.
But much bigger and scary.

Sadly, eagle was able to see everything.
How can he remain calm? He could see everything what they were about to do.
If he screamed now, dr. would come to know that he can see things through the objects. But if he didn't scream, dr. will surely penetrate that needle inside his body.

He knew that he'll have to tell the truth otherwise they'll torture him to death.

Golden eagle : yes. I...I can see it.

The machine stopped. Dr. smiled. His idea worked. He was very happy that golden eagle told the truth and his pill succeeded too.

*Booooooooommmm*

A sudden explosion alerted everyone. The floor was vibrating. Suddenly, a colleague of Dr. came inside...

Colleague : dr. we are doomed! The global forces have arrived, they can infiltrate the hideout anytime. They destroyed the outer walls already...

Dr.X and his team were taken aback. They knew the time has come...

Dr.X and his team members were already in the top of the wanted list. Either dead or alive. They must be captured.

Global force was the top military force in the world. It was established in 2050 and included all the skilled people from all over the world.

There were soldiers from all over the different countries. Global forces served all over the countries. They were authorized to be able to enter any Country and subdue their target.

Global force was like an unstoppable beast who could capture any prey.

Dr.X knew the time is crucial.

Dr.X : Jonathan! We must survive. I've already had a plan beforehand. But you must do something which is very important. Take the kid with you and flee from the secret path. You must make sure to keep him alive anyhow. He's the only successor of our Operation.

Jonathan : got it sir!

Dr.X : rest of all. Come with me...
Goodbye Jonathan, If I survived then I'll search for you.

Jonathan : alright sir! I'll keep him safe. Goodbye.

*Boooooommmmmmm*

Another explosion caused them to run for their lives leaving everything behind. Data was already deleted the moment golden eagle got his ability.
So, no one could produce the pills again except Dr.X.

Jonathan took the boy with him, running continuosly towards the secret path which led to underground.

After running for half an hour they came to a halt. Jonathan came to the train station with the boy.

He gave some cash to the boy and told him to leave this city. He told him not to tell anyone about the ability. And he must flee from China asap.

When golden eagle turned, Jonathan saw a tattoo on his back, because eagle's shirt was already torned from behind.
Jonathan was taken aback by the surprise.

He came to eagle and hugged him tightly.
Few drops of tears could be seen in his eyes.

"You must survive boy!" Those were the last words said by him and then he was gone already.

Escaping from the city and then later fleeing from China the boy came to Dubai....

*6 years later*
*Year 2066*

Golden eagle was already 20.
More handsome, more strong
And had more ability than just the x-ray vision.

But who was golden eagle actually!?
What was his real name!?
Where was he now!?
What he'll do now!?

It's me. Yeah!!
It's me bitches!!
I'm the golden eagle.
All the story you read was my own past.
I have the power, I can do things what a normal human can't...
And now here starts my adventure...
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Thanks for reading!!
~ By Lone_wolf

लोन वुल्फ सर सबसे पहले तो आपको बहुत बहुत बधाई एक बेहतरीन कहानी के लिए....
डाक्टर एक्स ने 10 तरह की पिल्स का इजाद किया जो कि अलग अलग प्रकार की सुपर पॉवर को इंसानी शरीर में जाग्रत कर देती है....लेकिन पहले कभी इन पिल्स का प्रयोग किसी पर नहीं किया गया इस वजह से होने वाले परिणामों से डाक्टर एक्स के साथ साथ उसके सहयोगी भी पुर्णरूप से अनभिज्ञ थे...कुछ
बच्चों को अपनी जान से हाथ भी धोना इस प्रयोग के चलते लेकिन एक पिल ने अपना कमाल दिखा दिया....और बन गया एक गोल्डन ईगल...

आपका नरेशन कमाल का था कोई कह ही नहीं सकता कि कहानी पढ़ी जा रही है बल्कि मुझे तो सब कुछ किसी मूवी की तरह आंखो के सामने चलता नजर आया.....बस मुझे एक बात समझ में नहीं आई क्यों आपने ऐसा प्लॉट चुना जो कि इतना ज्यादा बार इस्तेमाल हो चुका है जिसकी हद्द नहीं....एक बात और किड्स वर्ड का आपने युज किया लेकिन आखिरी में क्लियर भी किया की एक को छोड़ के सब 18 से उपर थे....क्यों...???
आप जैसे सीनियर राइटर को में किसी तरह का रिव्यू दू शायद ये मेरे बस में नहीं...लेकिन फिर भी मुझे आपकी कहानी पसंद आई और मैंने कहानी का आनंद भी लिया....
में इस कहानी को 5 में से 3 अंक देता हूं...

 

[S.Krish]

Hello buddies
ek nae kahani entry thread mai post ki hai
jeska
Tilte hai- MAA-BAAP
aap sabhi read karna
aur kesi hai jarur batana
aur ha
jo que. us kahani mai meni puchi hai
unkw upar apna point of view jarur batana

Emotional kar diya vire
Sach mai ....pde te pde thi
Rogte khade ho gae

Puri kahani meri aakho ki samne chlni lagi
Ki kesi ek maa baap ni apna sabe kuch apne bete ki leyi samarpite kar diya
Aur
Kesi uski
Nalayake ulade ni
Unka payda uthaya


Aur ha vire y khani aaj ki kadvi akekate hai
Meri khude ki gaawe mai esi 4 5 case ho gae hai
Jaha bahu aur bete nai melkar
Apni bhude maa baap aur sasur saas ko
Thile thile marne par majbur kar diya hai

Y kahani pde kar y sabhi baathie meri aakho ki aage ghum rahi thi


Ek baar mai sabe si kahuga
Y kahani pde kar ek baar
Veire ki leyi
Jor daar taliya baja do

Aur sabhi apne maa baap ko ute kar pranam kar ki aao
Kyuki
Hmari maa baap hi
Us vahi gutu ka vardan hai


Ahr aakhire mai vire
Esi hi kahaniya likhta rah
Mai dil si vahi guru si prathana karuga
Ki tu hi jeti
Vesi vire
Competetion ka nahi pata
Lekine hme sabe ka dile tuni jarur jet liya

Vahi guruji teri par y ....mahar banae rakhe

 

[S.Krish]

Hello buddies
ek nae kahani entry thread mai post ki hai
jeska
Tilte hai- MAA-BAAP
aap sabhi read karna
aur kesi hai jarur batana
aur ha
jo que. us kahani mai meni puchi hai
unkw upar apna point of view jarur batana

Dile jete liya vire