★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2020 ~ Reviews Thread ★☆★

[The_lost_love]

AMULYA TOHFA
Written by Milan2010

आपकी कहानी भविष्य में होने वाली घटना पर आधारित थी और कहानी का विषय भी बहुत अच्छा था।

आपकी कहानी में आपने जल की उत्पत्ति कैसे हुई का जो वर्णन किया है, वो मुझे थोड़ा ही अच्छा लगा क्योंकि आपने उसका वर्णन बहुत ही वैज्ञानिक आधार पर किया है। यदि आप इसे आसान भाषा में समझा देते तो कहानी और भी अच्छी हो जाती।

आपने कहानी में एक खास बात का वर्णन किया है और वो बात यह है कि कुछ मनुष्य लालची और स्वार्थी प्रवृत्ति के होते है जो केवल अपना ही सोचता है उसे और के दुख दर्द की बिल्कुल भी परवाह नहीं होती है। जबकि उसके पास उस चीज का भंडार होता है। जिसकी किसी और को बहुत जरूरत होती है वो चाहे तो उनकी कुछ मदद तो कर सकता है, लेकिन फिर भी मदद नहीं करता है।

कहानी में एक बात समझ में नहीं आई कि जो लड़की भयानक गर्मी में रेंगते हुए नल के पास जाती है और बेहोश हो जाती है। बाद में उसे सार्थक बचा लेता है, लेकिन उसका बच्चा बिना पानी के तब तक कैसे जीवित रहा। जबकि सार्थक जो डोम सिटी में रह रहा था। वो कुछ देर बिना पानी के रहने से ही मर जाता है।

कुछ जगह कहानी की रफ्तार बहुत तेज थी जिससे कहानी समझने में मुझे कुछ दिक्कत आई।

फिर भी मुझे आपकी कहानी बहुत ही अच्छी लगी।

Bhai ya bahen kuch bhi....
Lekin kahani ko justify krne k liye usne pani kaise bana usne uska varnan perfect likha h... Isse jada simple koi nhi likh sakta tha... Ye basic science pe adharit thi... Ab ye baat alag h apka isme hath dila ho to baat alag hai... Ab wo micro reaction to explain nhi kr rha tha jisse me na smjhne ki kuch baat hi nhi thi... Isse jada perfect likhana to muskil hai bhai...

 

[chintu222]

परा विद्या
By : nain11ster

Sabse pehle toh nain bhai aapko bahuat bahaut subhkamnaye...ki aap ek aisi kahani humare saamne pesh kar paaye hain jo ki kaafi adhbhut hai
Title padh kar kuch bhi idea nahi lag paaya ki kya hoga.....fir jab story start hui toh aisa lag raha tha ki koi Thriller hai...lekin title ke hisab se ye thoda ajeeb lag raha tha
Fir kahani ne ek aisa twist liya...jisme hum ek baar jo ghuse toh bas fans kar hee reh gaye..shayad shabdo ke jaal ki vajah se..kaafi kuch hota gaya..jisse samhajne ke liye baar baar same para padhna pada....Kuch shabd jaise ki धात्री एक अल्पसर,मग्स etc....inhone aisa jaadu kara jaise ki aapki kahani ne kara
Kalika jiski kahani mein mukhya bhumika thi...ek taraf jahn uska police vala roop dikhaya gaya vahin dusri taraf ye bataya gaya ki vo ek bahaut hee badi Mags hai..yan ye kahein ki Jaadugar
Uske baad Sandip aur Kalika ka milan dikhaya jata hai...jo ki mere hisab se kahani ka sabse kamjor bhaag tha...jis tarah se unki kahani ko badha chada kar dikahya gaya hai....mujhe lagta hai uski itni jarurat nahi thi.

Antim bhaag mein jis tarah se aapne ek ek scene likha hai...vo bahaut hee kaabile taarif hai
Jis tarah se Kalika ne Alpsar ke samuh kaa samna kara aue apni shaktiyon ka pradashan kara...padh kar alag hee feeling aa gayi...aisa laga ki movie chal rahi hai
Ek pal ke liye laga tha ki Sandip hee vishesh Aplsar hai...lekin fir jis tarah se aapne ye baat galat sabit kari aur Mithlesh ko sabke saamne pesh kara....apne aap mein hee kamal tha
Aur uske baad Kalika aur Mithlesh ke beech ki ladayi..Shobha ka aana..rom rom hil gaya padh kar...kamal ki Fantasy ko bahaut hee bemisaal tarike se likha hai aapne

Meine aapki kahani pehli baar padhi hai nain bhai....lekin abb pachtawa ho raha hai...ki aaj tak meine kaise aapki koi bhi kahani nahi padhi...kamal ki pratibha hai aapke andar jise aap bakhhubhi shabdo mein utarna jaante ho

Overall kamal ki kahani thi...jisme shabdo ke jaal mein fansne ke bavjud aap kisi tarah bahar aa hee jaoge....thanks for writing such an awesome story...and All The Best

 

[Sweet_Sinner]

Bhai ya bahen kuch bhi....
Lekin kahani ko justify krne k liye usne pani kaise bana usne uska varnan perfect likha h... Isse jada simple koi nhi likh sakta tha... Ye basic science pe adharit thi... Ab ye baat alag h apka isme hath dila ho to baat alag hai... Ab wo micro reaction to explain nhi kr rha tha jisse me na smjhne ki kuch baat hi nhi thi... Isse jada perfect likhana to muskil hai bhai...

Bhai mein yahi kaha hai ki writer ne bahut hi perfect likha hai...lekin ise asan bhasa me likhtey toh har reader asani se samjh pata.... ab har koi science ki padai tohdi karta hai koi commerce wala bhi hota..??

 

[Niks77kill]

Dejavu By Niks77kill

Naam sun kar hi laga ki kahani itself repeat hone wali hai. Fir mujhe movie ki bhi yaad aa gayi
Niks bhai ne likhi to mene yahi socha ki end bada jabar hoga jise sochne mein dikat hogi. Par mujhe aisa laga jaise kahani ko unhone choti bana diya. Yukti vapis aa rahi thi aur har baar uske sath kuch alag ghatnaye ghat rahi thi. Ek-ek kakre mei jodun to vo lash jise takrai vo jai tha, jab use bahar se awaz sunai di to vo log the jo end mein aye yani sab juda par meko vo spark nazar kam aya. I guess plot thoda weak reh gaya ya phir chota likhne mein chakar mein sparkk nahi aya.
End yahi tha ki asal mei koi bhukamp aya hi nahi, yukti bathroom mein slip hui uskehath se kanch tuta, uske dimag mein theory banai earthquake, jai ki aur end mein jai ko galti se maar diya aur fir khud ko maar dala.

Phir bhi janne ki ichukta end mein rahi ki ho kya raha hai Thanks niks bhai

Thanx for rebu harshit Bhai.. Story ko lamba khichne ka fayda nahi tha.. Halaki merko lag ra h mene kuch jyada hi chizen implied chhod di??
Bhukamp aaya tha but intensity itni nahi thi.. Tabahi wale sare scenes actually kachh ke the jo wo ab dekh rahi thi.. Epilepsy ki vjh se.. Jai sach m mara ya nhi yahi to main point h.. Kya wo bhi hallucination tha ya sach..

Story -Déjà Vu
Story was good... Achchi lagi... Story k title se laga hi tha repeat honge wahi sequence... Lekin yaha pati patni ke jhol nikalega ye nhi socha tha... ??? Iss suspense ke liye shukriya ?? ? but sahi bolu na sir ji... Thodi kami lagi story me... End me utna maja nhi aya jitna socha tha... Lekin shayad yahi perfect end ho iss story ka...
Thanks nikhil bhai... Brijwasi bhai ki jai... ?

Thanx ankit bhai for the rebu.. End mai ky smajh nhi aaya ju ko?

Deja vu
By: Niks77kill

Title padh kar aur ye dekh kar ki ye Niks bhai ki kahani hai toh laga ki kuch bahut hee interesting Sci-Fi type hoga.
Lekin jaise jaise padhta gaya..vaise vaise kahni mein itna buri tarah fansa ki samhaj hee nahi aaya kaise bahar niklun.
Kahani ek ladki ke ird gird ghumti hai..jike baare mein bataya gaya hai ki vo ek bimari se pidit hai...jsiki vajah se baar baar behosh hokar bhi usse kuch yaad hee nahi rehta
Ek ek ghatnayein jo Yukti ke saath hoti hain..unki suruat bathroom mein kanch tut kar uske behosh hone se hoti hai.
Uske baad ye bhi bataya gaya hai ki bachpan mein ek earthquake ne kaise uske apno ko usse dur kar diya...toh ho sakta hai ki ussi ghatna ka asar uske mind par abb ho raha ho..jisse usse lag raha hai ki earthquake aaya hai..jabki present mein koi earthquake aaya hee na ho.
Aur dusri baat hai..uske pati Jai ka affair...vo bhi uske mind mein kahin na kahin tha.
Sayad isi ke chalte usne pehle usse mara..aur fir uski laash se takrai..aur fir behosh hokar vapas aa gayi aur khud ko maar liya
Kaafi kuch confusion hai...ending mein kuch bhi ho sakta tha..kaafi saari possibilities ho sakti thi ..kahin na kahin ye kehna galat nahi hoga ki...kahani puri tarah samahj se bahar hai
Overall kamal ki theory ko shandar tarike se shabdo mein utara hai...ek aisi kahani likhi hai jisne sochne par majbur kar diya
Thanks for writing this story..and All the Best

Thanx for the rebu sir ji.. Ju hi ek ho jisko story thik se smjh aayi par ju bhi kuch jagh galti kr gye.. Bhukamp aaya th par intensive nhi tha.. Usi se to uski bimari trigger hui..
Jai ka murder phle nhi hua.. Wo usi tym hua jis tym dikhaya but kya wo sach tha ya nhi yhi to main point hai..

Review for Deja Vu

niks bhai sabse pehle toh aapka xf par swagat hai, mai jaanta tha aap jyada din khud ko story likhne se nahi rok paoge
asusual unique title ke jesa hi ek unique story
bhai kya kahu iss kahani ke baare me, totally speechless
shuruwat me aapne dikhaya ki yukti ke sharir par plastar gira tha aur fir voh jese tese karte hue khud ko first aid deti hi
aur fir uske baad achanak se hi pura scene change..matlab dubara se vahi ghatna...yeh toh sar chakrane ke jesa tha
yukti ke jese mai khud soch me pad gaya tha ki aakhire yeh kya hua

Blunt force head trauma iss bimari ke baare me maine kabhi suna nahi hai, google se dikha lekin utna samaj me naa aaya

yeh time loop vala khayal bhi mere dimaag me aaya, ek pal ke liye laga ki yeh time loop ka hi chakkar hai, lekin aisa kuch aap short story me nahi likhoge...aur mai sahi nikla
epileptic iske baare me bhi maine kuch suna, isko samjana meko
lekin yeh end me kya jhol nikla..kuch samaj nahi aaya

but overall story kaafi achi thi..ise long story me convert kare bhai

puri story me vahi thrill mehsoos hua jo Time Machine aur Fear Trap ke padhte hota tha
welcome back to writers group bhai

Thanx for rebu bhai.. Ju k khne pe hi join kiya h yha.. BFHT bimari nhi h iska matlab sir pr gehri chot lagna h.. Epilepsy ek bimari h jisme wahi sab hota h jo yukti k sath ho rha tha lekin sabkuch bhram nahi tha.. Shayad??

 

[Milan2010]

Story name para Vidhya bye Nain bhai
sabse pehle toh ek judayi duniya ki kahani likhne ke liye bahut bahut shukhriya
story ki lekhni ki baat kare toh kahani ko shudh hindi me likha gaya hai
kuch words ese hai jo ek baar padhne me samaj nahi aa rahe the toh unhe samajne me kaafi der lagi
jesi ki shabd tha alpsar, iske baare me bataya jarur tha..lekin shuruwat me padhne par kuch samaj me naaa aaya, ho sakta hai suspence rakhne ke liye likha ho

uske baad baari aati hai story ke plot ki, story ka plot toh acha tha, lekin kaafi jyada uljha dene vaala tha
jese ki story ka main mudda tha juda ki shaktiya, jaduyi duniya me rahe do paksh ke logo ke bich ki dushmani aur yuddh ka

shuru me kahani insaano ki duniya me ghati ghatnao se chalu hui, jo ek tarah se gunah (crime0 thrill ki shuruwat karta hai, jiske baad kahani achanak se past me chali jaati hai jo kuch had tak apne sahi se likha..aur 1-2 para me use samapt kar diya
lekin uske baad jab kahani jab vapas lauti tab ek prem kahani ki shuruwat hui...aur usme itni jyada dubti chali gayi ki prekashako (readers) ke dimaag me ek alag hi tasveer chap gayi
prem sambandh aur prem ke ehsaas ko aapne itna jyada dikha diya ki hum log mul kahani ki hi bhul gaye..aur uss ati utsahik prem sambhand ki kalana karne lage..aur yeh yahi tak simit nahi raha..ek hi baat ko baar baar alag alag tarike se pesh kiya gaya jisse kahani me aur bhi bhram ki stithi (confusion) ka aabhas hone laga

ab hua yeh ki prem samband ke baare me padhkar aapne ek pariwarik yudh dikhaya jo har serial, films me hota hai...ki alag jaat ki parajatiyo ese ki manas aur jadugar ke ke bich me prem sambhand rakhna galat hai aadi aadi....aur usi bich bich ek baar prem bhari baate yeh bhram failane lagi ki yeh kahani apradh thriller naa hokar prem kahani hai

fir atyant hi (immediately) kahani ek alag hi mod lekar vapas aajati hai..aur fir jo ek ke baad supence khulte hai aur jo aakhri yudh hota hai voh aapne bahu thi acha likha tha..kaabil-e-tariff yudh ka bariki se ulekh kiya gaya hai

ab baari aati hai mithilesh ki, muje aisa lag raha hai ki iss kirdar ke saath thodi naa insaafi hui hai, kyunki kahani ke shuruwat yeh me ek line bolkar gayab ho jaata hai aur bich me ek baar aata hai aur 2 line bolkar gayab ho gaya..jab yeh teeseri baar aaya toh muje laga shayad yeh fir 3 line bolkar gayab ho jayega..lekin ulta hokar yeh hua ki voh main villain nikla..jo kahani ke liye duvidha (suspense) upladbh ki gayi thi voh kaabil e tariff thi
lekin agar iske saath hue naa insaafi ki baat karu toh mai iske baar ae me bhul hi gaya tha, kyunki kahani ke bich me ek anokhi prem kahani aajati hai jo aage ghatit hui ghatna ko bhula deti hai...toh muje shuruwat vala hissa dubara padhna pada

iske baad jab kaalika jo alapsar yaa alpsar jo bhi hai unse baat karne jati hai aur voh samne vali party se baat chit hoti hai voh fir se duvidha me daal leti hai, kyunki kaun kya bol raha hai use samajna muksil ho raha tha, kyunki unn dono ke naam tak naa likhe gaye the..lekin use ant me jab kaalika kehti hai tab samaj me aata hai ki kisne kya bola tha..isliye yeh baatchite muje dubara padhni padi unki baato ko samaj ne ke liye

ab baari aati hai sandeep ki, jo main chaacter ka premi hai..iss bichare ko toh kahani me sirf aur sirf prem sambandh banane ke liye laaya gaya ho aisa prateet hua, aur jab use kaalike ki sahchayi jo ki jadugarni hai iss baare me pata chala toh voh kuch nahi kehta, koi pratikriya (reaction) nahi deta..toh iska matlab toh yeh hua ki voh pehle se hi iss baare me jaanta ho shayad, kyunki agar insaan jab kuch alag ghatna bhi dekh leta hai toh ek bar toh use ascharya jarur hota hai
ab jese apne kisi nikamme dost ko ek girlfriend mil jaati hai tab hum ascharya hota hai aur hum ek baar toh yeh pratikriya jarur dete hai ki iss nikaamme ko ladki kese mil gayi
lekin kahani me jab kalika ke baare me pata chalta hai toh voh kuch naa kehta...balki voh vanha ho rahe yudh ke baare me puchta hai..lekin kaalika ko dekhne par koi pratikriya nahi

aur ant me jo kaalika ne kaha voh kaafi acha tha..aur sahi bhi..lekin fir ek jhol kar diya aapne, yeh bata kar 8 saal pehle sandeep ke upar usne shakti ka prayog kya tha..par kya kiya aur kab kiya kese kiya kuch naa bataya, uske shakti prayog ke baad kya hua iss baare me bhi kuch samaj me nahi aaya
haa yeh ho sakta hai ki uss shakti ki vajah se shayad sandeep jaan gaya hoga ki yeh kaalika ek jadugarni hai
maaf karna voh jadugarni ka shabd yaad nahi aa raha

ek aur baat kehna chahunga jab puri kahani shudh hindi me thi toh 2-3 shabd angerji ka likhna muje uchit naa laga


khair vese toh aap ek jaane maane bade lekhak hai aur mai ek sadharan sa reader, jo iss kahani ko lekar bahut kuch bol gaya hai
agar meri kisi bhi baat ka aapko bura laga hai toh mai tahe dil se aapse maanfi mangta hu....ho sake toh apna chota bhai samaj kar kshma kar dena

dhanyawaad iss kahani ko likhne ke liye, aur subhkamnayein (all the best) competition ke liye

 

[-:Demon King:-]

Story : Amulya Tohfa
Writer : Milan2010 aka Mili

The honest review as promised



Agar puri story ki bat kare to concept bahot hi mast tha, life ki ek necessity agar apne ko na mile to kya hota hai uska use karke ek achhi dard bhari story likhi hai aur sath me kaha jaye to msg bhi diya hai ki JAL HI JIVAN HAI ( water is life). Plot wise good story and as usual good writing.

Ab bat kare story k andar kya hai to usme kafi sari chizon ki kami lagi mujhe

Pehli bat to 60+ degree padhke mere man me aaya ki sala apne idhar bahar 45+ ho tab bhi fatt jati hai to 60+ me kese rehte honge , Fir khayal aaya ki apni body pe uski kya impact padegi? Well story me ye point hota to maza aata ki iski impact kya padti hai insan k sharir par kyunki mera manna hai ki apni skin cells hai wo itna garmi jelti hi nai wo skin cells hai wo mar jate jese hi suraj ki kiran insan k sharir me padti

Aage badhte huwe dekhu to ye ladki jo reng rahi hai jamin par (jamin par to aur bhi zyada garmi hogi, surface to bahot garam hota hai) to ye ladki 60+ degrees me rengti huyi jati hai to wo aage jake (jab aage mene padha tab) wo sirf behosh huyi hai honestly aaye din summer time me khabar aati hai ki garmi ki bajah se aaj kuchh logo ki maut huyi (wo bhi tab jab 45 se 50 k aas pass temperature hota hai tab) to wo ladki usse bhi zyada garmi me rengte huye jati hai aur sirf behosh hoti hai Ye baat mujhe hajam nai huyi

Haa agar tum ye batate ki jab jab tapman badhne laga tab tab inshano ki resistance bhi badhne lagi thi to ye mana jata hai warna start me yahi sabse badi bhul thi

Agar bat kare ki itni short story me sab likhna mumkin nai hai to me bata dun ki mere hisab se tum (jab mene aage padha) wo earth kese bani and all that wala jo para tha wo na likhte aur uski jagah aaj jo present time me insan pe jo climate ka asar hota hai usko batate to maja aata

Aage badhte hai

Jab tumne pani kese aaya aur prithvi kese bani and all likha meri samaj me aato gaya sab lekin kuchh chizo ki story me jarurat nai thi (jese ki prithvi kese bani) chalo background k liye sahi tha lekin short story me mere hisab se wo para kuchh kam ka nai hai but agar ye full long story hoti to wo para achha rehta

Bat kare k sharthak ki jo hero hai ki wo dome bana raha hai Antarctic pe and all to muje ye samaj nai aa raha ki jab waha pe pani bhi hai aur hariyali bhi hai to wo log kafi time pehle hi waha kyun nai gaye?

Dusri bat ye samaj nai aayi ki chalo waha Antarctic pe dome to banaya but wo banne tak waha kyun nai reh sakte

Ek aur bat sirf 100 log kyun reh sakte hai?

Haa ek aur bat agar prithvi par 300-400 log hi hai aur usme se bhi 6 mar chuke the to pani ki tab ki itni kami kyun?

Kafi sare sawal paida hote hai lekin uske jawab nai milte story me

And bat karte hai tab ki jab story past mese present time me aati hai

Sharthak jab us ladki ko apni tab deta hai tab wo ladki turunt hosh me aajati hai aur apne bache ka bolti hai

Me puchhta hu wo bacha kaha tha jab wo rengti huyi ja rahi thi nal k pass?

Ya fir wo bacha kaha se aaya jab hero ne ship me bethne ko bola?

Aur agar wo hero k sath ladki aur bacha bhi jet me bethe the to sharthak hi chalu jet se utara to fir wo dono kaha gaye?

Ye sawal story ki rating girane wale hai

Ab bat kare jab hero ne sab satellite aur sab AI robo tabah kar diye? To kya uske pass itni authorisation thi kya? Hero ne jab dome banaya to wo 4 hours ka travelling kese karta tha 2 saal k liye? Dome kisne banaya? Kese banaya?

Chalo ye sare sawalo ko ek taraf rakhte hai shayad mene itni dhyan se nai padhi ya fir me story padhna bhul chuka hu kafi time se nai padh raha to

But ye batao ki sharthak ki maut kyun dikhayi?

Agar usne apni last tab us bache ko de di hai to fir kya wo apne dost apni GF aur apni sis k pass se ek tab nai mang sakta tha kya?

Uski maut mujhe bina reason ki lagi

Usko to bachaya ja sakta tha

Agar kisi k pass bhi tab nai thi to wo 100 log kya Antarctic jake sidha wahi pani se jinda rehne wale the? Agar ha to sharthak kyun wo pani na piya?

Apart from all those questions and answers overall story achhi thi but ye teri writing me jo hota hai i mean teri writing jis level ki hai us hisab se isme mujhe maja nai aaya bilkul

Plot achha tha lekin kuchh parts usme mujhe achhe nai lage hero ka marna aur wo part jaha tumne insan pe pani na hone ki aur dhup badhne ki impact nai batayi

Aur wo bat implied me to mujhe samaj nai aayi

Overall story ki rating mere hisab se 5.5/10 mene galti k aur jo mere sawalo k jawab na mile uske sare points kat liye hai

This was my honest review

Agar bat kare ki bina padhe dena hai to

Nice story thi mili

 

[-:AARAV143:-]

Story :- Dangee
Writer :- harshit1890
Link :-

★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2020 ~ Entry Thread ★☆★

story ke title se laga ki story mein thriller honga..aur sach kahu to vakai story ek alag hi level ki thi ..
aap to pehle se hi bahut ache writer rahe ho aur is kahani ne aapne waisa hi dikhaya aapse koi acha na hai
ye to huyi aapki tarif ab thoda story ke baremein batata hu..
aapki story hai to aap humse jyada hi jante hai lekin humein bhi apni raay deni hi chahiye

story ek dum mast , shandar , behtarin hai. jo aapne dangee ke baremein bataya wo sach bhi hai..
dangee karne wale aur na karne wale dono is mein pis jate hai...dangee ke kayi aran hote hai koi apne matlab ke liye ladwata hai to koi bina matlab ke hi lawda dete hai..
aajkal dangee hona to common hi ho gaya hai..log kisi bhi baat ladte hai aur jo unhe dekhte hai usko aur badhwa de kar sabhi mein ladai karwa dete hai..
dangee ke wajah se kisi jaan jati hi hai lekin sath mein kisi aurat ki aabru bhi nilam hoti hai..isi ka fayda bure log uthte hai aur apne dushkarm kar dete hai
ab jo story mein aurat ke sath dikhyaa wo kafi emotional tha kyu ki ek ladki ke sath aisa hona humare samaz mein bahut bura prabhav dal raha hai ladkiyon par ..
aaye din aise bahut se cases bhi news paper aur tv par dikhaye jate hai..
dangee ke motive to dikha dete hai lekin kisi aurat ke aabru gayi use na dikhte
jo dikhana chahiye wo na dikhte jo nahi dikhna wo dekha dete hai..
well ye topic par baatchit bahut lambhi jayengi to ise yahi khatam karte hai..
aur aapki story ka jo motive tha wo samaz ke liye bahut hi fayde mand hai..
jo samaj gaya uske liye bhi aur na samja use bhi samaj aa hi jayenga

best of luck for contest

Rating :- 4.8/5 stars (thodi spelling mistake huyi hai )​

 

[-:AARAV143:-]

Story :- प्यार-झगड़ा (एक सिक्के के दो पहलू)

Writer :- akki333

Link :-

★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2020 ~ Entry Thread ★☆★

Story apne title se kafi mel khati hai..

lekin jo scene likha hai wo movie ka hai aisa mujhe lag raha hai..

agar ho sake to apne scene likhna

well , mujhe to story achi lagi..

pati patni mein jo jagda dikhaya hai wo itna bhi bada na hai ki himanshi ghar chodne ki baat kar de

ha manta hu aajkal ki ladkiyan thodi pagal hoti hai jo choti choti baton ko dil se laga deti hai..

lekin sochti apne ghuthne se hai Jo aisi choti bateon ke liye ghar chod deti hai..

ab aate hai himanshi ke mummy ke paas..

are wo bahen ji is baat pe kon apni beti ka sath deta hai

jo apna basa basaya ghar chod dena chahti hai..

bas itna hi warna aage likhunga to bahen ji nura man jayengi

Is story se ek baat to samaj aa gayi pati patni mein kitna bhi bada jagda kyu na ho kabhi galat faisla nahi lena chahiye

humesha baton se hi mamla samajne aur thik karne ka prayas karna chahiye

himanshi ke papa ne use ache se guide kiya hai...

best of luck for contest

Rating :- 3.5/5 stars​

 

[-:AARAV143:-]

Story :- Haivaan... ( The Devil ? )

Writer :- abhaysmarty

link :-

★☆★ Xforum | Ultimate Story Contest 2020 ~ Entry Thread ★☆★

story ke baremein kya kahu kuch samaj hi na aa raha.. :versad:
ye story nahi aisa lag raha tha jaise koi race dekh rha hu
kuch bhi sahi tarike se discribe na kiya hai
jo kiya hai wo mere samaj se pare hai
thoda storyline ke baremein batata hu
storyline bilkul bhi sahi nahi hai..
ek baat past mein ek baat future mein ek baat present mein
are itni bhi kya jaldi thi jo aise story ko bhagaye ja rahe ho
thoda kam likho lekin sanshipt mein likho yaar
pandit ji to phir kabhi najar hi na aaye story mein
story padhne mein achi hai lekin jo kadiyan hai wo sahi se na likhi hai
aapne mehnat bahut ki hai story likhne mein thoda agar aur time lete to ache se samaj kar story likh sakte the
ek baar aap khud hi padh lo story ko iski jarurat hai..


best of luck for contest

Rating :- 4/5 stars​

 

[chintu222]

वो मुलाकात
By: Sweet_Sinner

Ek simple si kahani thi jisme ye batane ki koshis kari gayi hai ki hume Kismat par bhi vishwas karna chaiye...kyuki jo kuch bhi hota hai vo sab Kismat mein likha hota hai
Abb baat karein kahani ki...toh kahani ki suruat mein jis tarah se mukhya paatr yani ki Rohan ke baare mein bataya gaya hai...aur fir uski mulakat railway station par ek ladki se hoti hai jo kabhi train mein nahi baithi hoti..vo Rohan se help mangti hai aur fir suru hota hai main kahani..ye scene mujhe kaafi kamjor laga...kyuki aksar ye hum kaafi movies mein dekh chuke hain
Train late hona ye bhi sayad Kismat ka hee khel hai...taaki vo log ek dusre ko jaan sakein
Dhire dhire dono ek dusre ko apne baare mein batate hai aur pata lagta hai ki uss ladki ki shaadi fixed hai
Lekin shayad kismat ko kuch aur hee manjur tha...vo ladki kabhi uss train mein nahi baith paayi..aisa kyun hua ye kahani ke antim bhag mein bahaut hee ache se bataya gaya hai ..aur ant mein Rohan jo kabhi kismat ko nahi maanta...vo bhi uss ghatna ke baad...Kismat par bharosa karne lagta hai ...ye part thoda emotional karne ki puri koshis karta hai...lekin utna nahi kar nahi pata
Aisa laga ki kahani bas unn dono ki baat cheet mein hee khatam ho gayi
Iss kahani ke baare mein itna hee kahunga ki ek simple, neat and clean story thi...jisme kuch bhi suspense nahi tha...lekin narration kaafi achaa tha...bas story aur plot thoda kamjor pad gaya.
Overall story okay thi...lekin kaafi behtar ho sakti thi...thanks for writing this story...and All The Best